Get your giggles out now and then let’s jump in. I want to really discuss a very sensitive (and taboo) subject, and yes I am choosing to write this from a purely heterosexual perspective for discussion’s sake. You’re big enough to apply it to your own sexuality if that sexuality is fabulously different.
The topic to discuss… Boobs and wieners. And even more specifically, weird boobs and little wieners.
Recently I sat across from a woman who I had thought was so beautiful only moments before. It was our first date.
She had these fantastic and warm eyes that flickered between blue and hazel depending on the angle of the light. Her cute little button nose and her high soft cheeks had finally abandoned the red hues brought to the surface by the thick winter wind outside.
Upon meeting, the conversation had almost immediately elevated to this rare level of communicative excellence. She was one of those people with whom I shared almost too much similar history and life experience.
I found her to be very pretty when we first met. By the time she decided to tell me about her breasts, I thought she was beyond stunning. Great conversation has a way of doing that to people, I suppose.
Then, out of nowhere, she made sure to educate me as to how unbeautiful she was, at least underneath her clothes.
Maybe it was because her mind had wandered to the possibility of future intimacy. Maybe it was because she needed reassurance that I wasn’t an arrogant and judgmental type who needed a perfect air-brushed woman. Maybe it was because she just hated her boobs and wanted everyone to know. I don’t know. I just know that she found a segue into it (a joke she or I made, I can’t remember who) and started to tell me how awful, and tiny, and misshaped her breasts were. She made sure to mention the horrid effects of breastfeeding and age as she painted a Picassoesque picture for me.
The way she went on was a level that I would consider somewhere below disenchanting.
Where moments before I was so comfortable and excited about this new wonderful human sitting in front of me, I now felt like I was drudging through the fine print of an exciting time share opportunity that was becoming less appealing by the second.
I don’t know what it was about this woman specifically. I’ve been on dates with plenty of women who let me know in no uncertain terms how imperfect their breasts are and none of them bothered me the way this particular date did. I think it was because I was liking her so much and the thought of a romp in the bedroom was the last thing on my mind. Out of nowhere, and on a first date I was led to believe that if her bra ever came off with me, two shriveled and aged naval oranges would unroll themselves and come flopping to the floor in front of me.
It was amazing the level of detail that came spilling out of her mouth, almost as if it was doing so against her will.
Finally I cut her off, not knowing what I was going to say.
What came out really surprised me.
I looked her dead in the eyes. “I have a tiny penis.”
“Huh?” she said, somewhat shocked.
“Oh, it’s ridiculously tiny. Like a little smokie, even at full erection. It’s shriveled and hangs off to the right. Ugliest damned thing you ever saw. You’ll be holding your lunch down if you ever see it.”
“Are you serious right now?”
I sure was acting serious.
I just looked at her and said, “I bet you’re so much more attracted to me now than you were a minute ago, huh.”
She just shook her head and laughed. “I get it,” she said uncomfortably. “But are you being serious? Because I think you’re joking but I can’t tell.”
I just smiled and shrugged my shoulders.
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Many people are very shallow and project their insecurities onto others. However you are you are beautiful. It is important to always reinforce your self esteem, take a look at yourself and say, 'This is me'.
I think there needs to be more wonderfully kind and thoughtful guys in this world like you. Thanks for that. :)
My boobs were a b cup and a dd cup... I HATED them.... for years I hid them. I married an amazing man who loved my boobs... BOTH of them. I still hated them... therefore... I got an implant in one to "fix" them. they're very close to the same size now, look great in a bra. But... I've learned I didnt need it (the surgery) They're still "different" without a bra... just in other ways now... my husband still loves them... both of them. after 35 years of life and 20+ years of hating my boobs... he's finally taught me to love myself no matter what <3 that man. your blog is amazing btw
This post is like so many things we compare ourselves to in life. Success, bodies, clothes, cars, education, family, friends...I mean if we didn't do it with our bodies then we have so many other things to choose from. I actually don't give myself a hard time over my body and I have confidence in bed and out of bed. Is my body "perfect"? No. I have stretch marks from 4 children and my belly is still bigger than is should be. But my husband loves me and God loves me and I love me too. It helps that my husband doesn't do things that hurt my self esteem like watch porn or stare at other women. He is very good to me and I am very good to him. I am a lucky woman and hell, he is a lucky man!
I have a decent body and great boobs and I am still very insecure because of porn. Why does my husband have to or want to watch SO MUCH porn?
@melissaleanna Men will always look at porn and check out other women. It's just how they are. It doesn't mean he doesn't find you attractive. But there's a difference between doing it and doing it disrespectfully. Do you feel he's doing it disrespectfully?
@ChrisKirsten @melissaleanna Sadly he knows. He thinks hiding and lying makes it better, like what I don't know wont hurt me, but it's easy to figure out. I've explained lies makes it worse. He makes excuses. It's something he's done since he was about 10 and so he thinks it's normal. I swear he feels panic if he thinks he will have to live without it.... Oh well. What's funny is I try to tell myself to turn the tables. I can look at hot guys online, hot porn, DILFs, etc. It just feels wrong. Thank you for your input. :-)
@ventingtulip no matter how green your grass is you always wonder about
the neighbor's grass. I look at it kinda like dreaming about a vacation you will never have same thing. As long as the porn doesn't take priority over your relationship than let him have his time.
I think Dan is absolutely right. The other night in fact, I made a comment to my husband about how I wish I had his body confidence. I would never walk through my house naked, and still insist on being conservative when we're together because I don't want him to see my imperfections even though I know he loves every part of me.
its funny because I give the advice you give to my friends....like, "dont worry, if they get to the point where you are naked they are going to be HAPPY because you are probably having sex" yet i have many times been the one to warn men about my body being imperfect..... its just what we do i guess. Unfortunate, really. I have also asked men before what kind of grooming they prefer on women...out of curiosity because I dont plan to change myself depending on the men I am with. More often than not they reply with their preference but then add.."...but it doesnt really matter" because once again if they are to the point of finding out how a woman keeps her pubic hair, if they have any...well they are about to have sex!
Also just FYI I think I would be scared of a porn endowed penis!!! :)
I'm sure you realize people will oooh and Aaaahhhhh at this post, confirm what a great article it is, full of universal truths, etc. And, yes, it is all that and a jar of stuffed olives.
Then, they'll go right back to feeling insecure and beating themselves up about their body. Such is human nature
I'm one of those women blessed with "porn worthy boobs" but I have a different issue. I have,what people like to call ,"a roast beef vagina " I used to be totally comfortable with it. But almost once a week I'll hear men talkjng amongst themselves about how nasty those vaginas are and how it looks like cow tongue hanging out ... How am I supposed to be comfortable and think that the average man doesn't care about it when all I hear is average men talking bad about it ..
1). If it's a casual hookup, the guy is just happy he managed to get you naked.
2). If the guy is in love with you, he honestly doesn't care WHAT it looks like (assuming it's healthy and clean). He loves the fact you share it with him. He loves the way it makes him feel. He loves touching, tasting, filling it and the sounds you make when you're satisfied.
3). Like they say, "There are no athiests in a foxhole"? There are no vagina connoisseurs in bed. See #1 and #2 above.
Most lovers and potential lovers you will find who are worth their salt are fascinated more by the nerve endings in your anatomy than its appearance. It's not the stellar nipples or monumental girth that intrigues us. It's that you make such lovely noises when we touch them. Don't worry about the look of it. Just relax and have some fun.
Dan, you are awesome. This was funny... yet incredibly, deeply true. And it needed to be said. I love you, man.
This is such a fantastic post. I spent years obsessing over my body and how imperfect it is (still do) but I have a man in my life who appreciates the gift I've given him, and I appreciate his gift he has given me, and because of his wonderful and fantastic appreciation of me and my gift, I feel whole for the first time in my life. I feel comfortable (most days except when Aunt Flo visits cuz she messes up my head for a couple of days) in my own skin. What you said, is how he feels about me and how I feel about him. And it's a beautiful thing. Thank you for your thoughts.
Such a wonderful entry. I compare myself everyday to the women of my partner's past, pictures in magazines, calendars, and even porn. Thank you for beginning to change my mind about myself. Your piece has started to make me feel differently about the comparisons I make. Thank you :)
My penis is small....I never thought of it before until an ex partner went on about the diminutive size of it...and now it is probably the thing I am most insecure about....thank you for this article.
@Nathan Nathan, your ex's rant had more to do with his/her emotions at the time, and however hurt/mad/pissed they may have been. Your penis was just the unfortunate recipient of the backlash. Don't be insecure about it. If you need reinforcement on that, read said article again. It truly was an amazing read.
Dan, thank you so much for making this idea that the body is a gift to give public! I wrote a piece about it, too, though in less attention to porn-worthy parts haha. It's more spiritual, but I also get from your writing that matters to you, too. It's nice to find a like-minded individual.
well said Dan.....insecurity is something that can kill a relationship (been there before!).
But, like he said - your body is a "gift" and should be given to someone who you deem to deserve it.
Hi Dan... Just dropping by to give a BIG THANK YOU to you for this article. You saved my self-esteem... and possibly my relationship :-) God bless, Dan...
A once again wonderfully crafted piece. So much has been written about this subject and even large brands (think Dove) are even trying to draw attention to the beauty of uniqueness. What is it that drives us to not embrace what you're saying? I know I've often struggled with the uniqueness of my manhood, something that only recently, after 20 years together, and almost 16 years of marriage, am I starting to believe my wife when she says she doesn't care. I started to believe her, however, when I was honest about WHAT bothered me, just not that it bothered me in general.
Yes, sexuality is far more open in our society today than, say, 20 years ago, but I'd argue the undercurrent is still terribly Puritan. It's almost like we're a society that has come to the nude beach for the first time, and no one really yet knows how to behave: to basically believe and embrace what you've talked about in your piece.
Once again. Brilliant. Love reading everything here: including the comments.
i comemented on your website but wanted to reiterate that I love this post! for all the dirty details you can check out the webpage. My moniker is well loved
Perhaps describing what you see in porn as "perfect" is part of the reason everyone else "obsesses" on what they learn in "wrong" with their bodies. If people bothered to compliment each other or focus half as much positive attention on real bodies as they do on images of altered bodies...maybe it would be a different world.
@Rachel Well said Rachel. You're speaking more to the cause here, than the symptoms to which most people respond.
@Rachel Agreed. A few years back I was going through old boxes of stuff and came across a lingerie catalog from the 70s. What a surprise it was to see all these lingerie models with REAL bodies - small or droopy breasts - each one unique and different. Although at first I laughed at how women like this were once judged catalog-worthy, afterward I was struck by how much more interesting, intimate and sexy these REAL breasts were than the big fake inflatables we see now, where EVERY lingerie model looks like the SAME plastic doll with different wigs and spray-on tans. No variation - no individuality - no interest. Where's the fun in that? It's like eating nothing but french fries every single meal, year after year.
I love this post!! As someone that has been with a porn quality penis, I can say that it is not all it is cracked up to be. A woman's vaginal canal is maybe 5.5 inches long. A penis that is longer than that can hurt. If it is too thick then there is not enough room to make it feel good during sex. That said I am one of the rare women that thinks penises are beautiful in their own way just like my fiancé thinks my 'fluffy' body is beautiful no matter what I think of myself. Just yesterday he noticed I have larger areoles. IN fact one is bigger than the other just like my boobs . Yet he doesn't care. He makes me feel sexy when I don't and loved all the time. People need to raise their children to see through those eyes and maybe this world would be a better place
It seems our culture has been infiltrated with mainstream pornography. Now...Im not complaining. Lord knows the quality of porn has increased to wonderful levels in the last 15 years. The only problem though is it has become completely acceptable to discuss, watch and even participate in pornographic medium. Remember when porn was completely taboo? When you knew if your mom every found the greasy mag underneath your bed there would be hell to pay? Well....maybe that is the way we need to be acting about porn. Man these times they area changin......
I am almost 50 years old and it never occurred to me that someone might not like my breasts! And believe me...I am no model but I know how men are about breasts! Unfortunately, there are other body parts that I am self-conscious about when I am dressed, but when I am naked with someone I care for then I feel invincible and beautiful.
Maybe they aren't as scrutinized for their penises as we are for our boobs, butts, weight, hair, skin, age, etc. We have more to say about it.
It is exactly how I feel about it. Being a large woman in this society is excruciating but I still feel beautiful because I see what is good about myself rather than what isn't perfect. I recently fell madly in love with a man who didn't get this. He insisted that his penis was tiny and I kept trying to tell him this isn't what matters to me. He told me he loved me to just the way I was then promptly left me for a skinnier woman. I was blind sided and of course hurt beyond words. I wish he had the same realisation and security in himself and me but what can you do? When you truly know how to love another with all your heart then you love every inch of that person no matter what. At least I do anyway. Maybe I'm not the majority of people. I have never focused on someone's appearance as a determining factor of true love. I wish he had done the same.
This is awesome!! Very well said Dan as always!! It is amazing how many people worry about their breasts and penises but seriously they are all wonderful no matter what shape or size them come in!!
I LOVE this! You are a wonderful person for writing it. I actually think porn is part of the problem... it's that commodification thing. I work with teenagers, mostly girls, and you would weep to hear how hard they are on themselves, for something as trivial as looks.
@SamBrenneman I agree! I fear that porn—both the nature and content of modern porn and it's sheer abundance and availability—is really messing up the way men and women approach intimacy. On top of the tidal wave of media and advertising that objectifies women. I hope we can manage to get past it as a society.
Dear Dan. My great aunt taught me to dress like a present to be unwrapped. Given to that special person I choose to be the recipient of that gift. To remember that I am a gift like a secret garden.
If someone is turned off by your body after coming to adore your personality, the fault is with them. Perfection isn't to be expected.