the
post
visit the
blog
skip to
comments
lots more
sdl
get it in
your email

Weird Boobs and Little Wieners

Self-conscious woman

Get your giggles out now and then let’s jump in. I want to really discuss a very sensitive (and taboo) subject, and yes I am choosing to write this from a purely heterosexual perspective for discussion’s sake. You’re big enough to apply it to your own sexuality if that sexuality is fabulously different.

The topic to discuss… Boobs and wieners. And even more specifically, weird boobs and little wieners.

Recently I sat across from a woman who I had thought was so beautiful only moments before. It was our first date.

She had these fantastic and warm eyes that flickered between blue and hazel depending on the angle of the light. Her cute little button nose and her high soft cheeks had finally abandoned the red hues brought to the surface by the thick winter wind outside.

Upon meeting, the conversation had almost immediately elevated to this rare level of communicative excellence. She was one of those people with whom I shared almost too much similar history and life experience.

I found her to be very pretty when we first met. By the time she decided to tell me about her breasts, I thought she was beyond stunning. Great conversation has a way of doing that to people, I suppose.

Then, out of nowhere, she made sure to educate me as to how unbeautiful she was, at least underneath her clothes.

Maybe it was because her mind had wandered to the possibility of future intimacy. Maybe it was because she needed reassurance that I wasn’t an arrogant and judgmental type who needed a perfect air-brushed woman. Maybe it was because she just hated her boobs and wanted everyone to know. I don’t know. I just know that she found a segue into it (a joke she or I made, I can’t remember who) and started to tell me how awful, and tiny, and misshaped her breasts were. She made sure to mention the horrid effects of breastfeeding and age as she painted a Picassoesque picture for me.

The way she went on was a level that I would consider somewhere below disenchanting.

Where moments before I was so comfortable and excited about this new wonderful human sitting in front of me, I now felt like I was drudging through the fine print of an exciting time share opportunity that was becoming less appealing by the second.

I don’t know what it was about this woman specifically. I’ve been on dates with plenty of women who let me know in no uncertain terms how imperfect their breasts are and none of them bothered me the way this particular date did. I think it was because I was liking her so much and the thought of a romp in the bedroom was the last thing on my mind. Out of nowhere, and on a first date I was led to believe that if her bra ever came off with me, two shriveled and aged naval oranges would unroll themselves and come flopping to the floor in front of me.

It was amazing the level of detail that came spilling out of her mouth, almost as if it was doing so against her will.

Finally I cut her off, not knowing what I was going to say.

What came out really surprised me.

I looked her dead in the eyes. “I have a tiny penis.”

“Huh?” she said, somewhat shocked.

“Oh, it’s ridiculously tiny. Like a little smokie, even at full erection. It’s shriveled and hangs off to the right. Ugliest damned thing you ever saw. You’ll be holding your lunch down if you ever see it.”

“Are you serious right now?”

I sure was acting serious.

I just looked at her and said, “I bet you’re so much more attracted to me now than you were a minute ago, huh.”

She just shook her head and laughed. “I get it,” she said uncomfortably. “But are you being serious? Because I think you’re joking but I can’t tell.”

I just smiled and shrugged my shoulders.

CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE

592 comments
Smiley
Smiley

I think Dan is absolutely right. The other night in fact, I made a comment to my husband about how I wish I had his body confidence. I would never walk through my house naked, and still insist on being conservative when we're together because I don't want him to see my imperfections even though I know he loves every part of me.

cj
cj

its funny because I give the advice you give to my friends....like, "dont worry, if they get to the point where you are naked they are going to be HAPPY because you are probably having sex" yet i have many times been the one to warn men about my body being imperfect..... its just what we do i guess. Unfortunate, really. I have also asked men before what kind of grooming they prefer on women...out of curiosity because I dont plan to change myself depending on the men I am with. More often than not they reply with their preference but then add.."...but it doesnt really matter" because once again if they are to the point of finding out how a woman keeps her pubic hair, if they have any...well they are about to have sex!
Also just  FYI I think I would be scared of a porn endowed penis!!! :)

ShoqFullONuts
ShoqFullONuts

I'm sure you realize people will oooh and Aaaahhhhh at this post, confirm what a great article it is, full of universal truths, etc. And, yes, it is all that and a jar of stuffed olives.

Then, they'll go right back to feeling insecure and beating themselves up about their body. Such is human nature

manycolored
manycolored

We shouldn't stoop to sleeping with people like that. It just encourages them. 

Amsterdamchick74777
Amsterdamchick74777

I'm one of those women blessed with "porn worthy boobs" but I have a different issue. I have,what people like to call ,"a roast beef vagina " I used to be totally comfortable with it. But almost once a week I'll hear men talkjng amongst themselves about how nasty those vaginas are and how it looks like cow tongue hanging out ... How am I supposed to be comfortable and think that the average man doesn't care about it when all I hear is average men talking bad about it ..

manycolored
manycolored

Most lovers and potential lovers you will find who are worth their salt are fascinated more by the nerve endings in your anatomy than its appearance. It's not the stellar nipples or monumental girth that intrigues us. It's that you make such lovely noises when we touch them. Don't worry about the look of it. Just relax and have some fun.

VirginiePoncelet
VirginiePoncelet

Dan, you are awesome. This was funny... yet incredibly, deeply true. And it needed to be said. I love you, man.

MissMina
MissMina

This is such a fantastic post. I spent years obsessing over my body and how imperfect it is (still do) but I have a man in my life who appreciates the gift I've given him, and I appreciate his gift he has given me, and because of his wonderful and fantastic appreciation of me and my gift, I feel whole for the first time in my life. I feel comfortable (most days except when Aunt Flo visits cuz she messes up my head for a couple of days) in my own skin. What you said, is how he feels about me and how I feel about him. And it's a beautiful thing. Thank you for your thoughts.

jill13424
jill13424

Such a wonderful entry. I compare myself everyday to the women of my partner's past, pictures in magazines, calendars, and even porn. Thank you for beginning to change my mind about myself. Your piece has started to make me feel differently about the comparisons I make. Thank you :)

Nathan
Nathan

My penis is small....I never thought of it before until an ex partner went on about the diminutive size of it...and now it is probably the thing I am most insecure about....thank you for this article.

ChrisKirsten
ChrisKirsten

well said Dan.....insecurity is something that can kill a relationship (been there before!). 


But, like he said - your body is a "gift" and should be given to someone who you deem to deserve it.

Jenna Lynn
Jenna Lynn

I'm still getting my breasts done..... lol But great article!

Shaimaa
Shaimaa

Hi Dan... Just dropping by to give a BIG THANK YOU to you for this article. You saved my self-esteem... and possibly my relationship :-) God bless, Dan...

documentarian
documentarian

A once again wonderfully crafted piece. So much has been written about this subject and even large brands (think Dove) are even trying to draw attention to the beauty of uniqueness. What is it that drives us to not embrace what you're saying? I know I've often struggled with the uniqueness of my manhood, something that only recently, after 20 years together, and almost 16 years of marriage, am I starting to believe my wife when she says she doesn't care. I started to believe her, however, when I was honest about WHAT bothered me, just not that it bothered me in general. 

Yes, sexuality is far more open in our society today than, say, 20 years ago, but I'd argue the undercurrent is still terribly Puritan. It's almost like we're a society that has come to the nude beach for the first time, and no one really yet knows how to behave: to basically believe and embrace what you've talked about in your piece.

Once again. Brilliant. Love reading everything here: including the comments.

Lindsey Thomas
Lindsey Thomas

i comemented on your website but wanted to reiterate that I love this post! for all the dirty details you can check out the webpage. My moniker is well loved

Rachel
Rachel

Perhaps describing what you see in porn as "perfect" is part of the reason everyone else "obsesses" on what they learn in "wrong" with their bodies. If people bothered to compliment each other or focus half as much positive attention on real bodies as they do on images of altered bodies...maybe it would be a different world.

Lovedwell
Lovedwell

I love this post!! As someone that has been with a porn quality penis, I can say that it is not all it is cracked up to be. A woman's vaginal canal is maybe 5.5 inches long. A penis that is longer than that can hurt. If it is too thick then there is not enough room to make it feel good during sex. That said I am one of the rare women that thinks penises are beautiful in their own way just like my fiancé thinks my 'fluffy' body is beautiful no matter what I think of myself. Just yesterday he noticed I have larger areoles. IN fact one is bigger than the other just like my boobs . Yet he doesn't care. He makes me feel sexy when I don't and loved all the time. People need to raise their children to see through those eyes and maybe this world would be a better place

simple guy
simple guy

It seems our culture has been infiltrated with mainstream pornography.  Now...Im not complaining.  Lord knows the quality of porn has increased to wonderful levels in the last 15 years.  The only problem though is  it has become completely acceptable to discuss, watch and even participate in pornographic medium.  Remember when porn was completely taboo?  When you knew if your mom every found the greasy mag underneath your bed there would be hell to pay? Well....maybe that is the way we need to be acting about porn.  Man these times they area changin......

TLC911911
TLC911911

I am almost 50 years old and it never occurred to me that someone might not like my breasts!  And believe me...I am no model but I know how men are about breasts!  Unfortunately, there are other body parts that I am self-conscious about when  I am dressed, but when I am naked with someone I care for then I feel invincible and beautiful.

Barbeli Slagowski
Barbeli Slagowski

Maybe they aren't as scrutinized for their penises as we are for our boobs, butts, weight, hair, skin, age, etc. We have more to say about it.

Barbeli Slagowski
Barbeli Slagowski

It is exactly how I feel about it. Being a large woman in this society is excruciating but I still feel beautiful because I see what is good about myself rather than what isn't perfect. I recently fell madly in love with a man who didn't get this. He insisted that his penis was tiny and I kept trying to tell him this isn't what matters to me. He told me he loved me to just the way I was then promptly left me for a skinnier woman. I was blind sided and of course hurt beyond words. I wish he had the same realisation and security in himself and me but what can you do? When you truly know how to love another with all your heart then you love every inch of that person no matter what. At least I do anyway. Maybe I'm not the majority of people. I have never focused on someone's appearance as a determining factor of true love. I wish he had done the same.

Nancy Park
Nancy Park

This is awesome!! Very well said Dan as always!! It is amazing how many people worry about their breasts and penises but seriously they are all wonderful no matter what shape or size them come in!!

SamBrenneman
SamBrenneman

I LOVE this! You are a wonderful person for writing it. I actually think porn is part of the problem... it's that commodification thing. I work with teenagers, mostly girls, and you would weep to hear how hard they are on themselves, for something as trivial as looks.

MoniqueMacdonald
MoniqueMacdonald

Dear Dan. My great aunt taught me to dress like a present to be unwrapped. Given to that special person I choose to be the recipient of that gift.  To remember that I am a gift like a secret garden.  

Bethany Klick
Bethany Klick

If someone is turned off by your body after coming to adore your personality, the fault is with them. Perfection isn't to be expected.

Jeff Slim
Jeff Slim

Wow, you have got it. If we were in the same area and travelled the same circles I could see you joining the few guy friends I have. Love this story. Perfect attitude. I am going to be referencing it in my dating travels because I have run in to similar before. Thanks for sharing

MamaDana
MamaDana

I beg to differ with one point. Just like Boobs, Penises are absolutely beautiful and fascinating works of art - perhaps even more so - due to the fact that unlike Boobs, a Penis can; and hopefully does, change in form, size and feel as it changes state from relaxed to erect (kinda' like nipples).

Heather Allison
Heather Allison

Thanks for this Dan. It hit home on a couple of levels. In the dating realm will try and warn the other person of all the things they might find unattractive in ourselves in order to protect ourselves from being hurt. For me it's my feet. I had surgery when I was born (and am grateful to even walk) but most people don't even notice. My feet are cute but 2 sizes difference. I always brought it up as a fun fact and to warn them that they wouldn't see me in heels very often (um, beyond normal heels torture!!) but your post made me realize that they'd probably never notice AND that I could be giving them some weird turn off when really it's not a big deal at all! The other side of boobs/wieners was just as enlightening. I've learned in the crazy online dating world that EVERYONE has different tastes! It doesn't say anything about your own level of attractiveness just what that person prefers. Some like skinny sticks some like curves and cush. Just depends but all of it is beautiful. Thanks for another Great post!

nunya biz
nunya biz

i would love to say that small penises don't bug me but to a certain degree they do. I know it isn't all about the package but we all have our physical preferences.  i had one night stands with 2 guys who ended up being 2.5 inches fully erect. I didn't like their personalities enough to continue with dates afterward but the small penis was a turn off as well. It made me understand why waiting for sex after several dates, or at least figuring out you're attracted to their minds first, is best.  Call me a horrible person but I know i couldn't spend the rest of my life with a 2 inch penis unless their personalities were truly awesome. I couldn't spend the rest of my life with a hung man who was a shitty person! WIth that said, all body parts lead to the brain and the brain is where you have sex ultimately. I met an old man cross dresser once and was so turned on by his mind that I wanted him.  It is kinda sad if Anyone feels they need to warn you about their body parts on a first date, but if you're not looking for long term and just a booty call I can kind of understand that..

Jenny Coblentz
Jenny Coblentz

Thanks Dan! We need more people like you in the spotlight. The objectification of people has become an epidemic and I'm so glad you're opening the conversation about this.

Brooklyn Kay
Brooklyn Kay

Thank you Dan. If only more people could hear his message. :)

Jennifer Ann
Jennifer Ann

Thanks for this. Being back on the market after years & having kids, I've been terrorized by my own thoughts of the presentableness of my body.

documentarian
documentarian

@Rachel  Well said Rachel. You're speaking more to the cause here, than the symptoms to which most people respond.

sarawouldwhat
sarawouldwhat

@SamBrenneman  I agree! I fear that porn—both the nature and content of modern porn and it's sheer abundance and availability—is really messing up the way men and women approach intimacy. On top of the tidal wave of media and advertising that objectifies women. I hope we can manage to get past it as a society. 

sb
sb

oh I'm so glad you wrote this. I was beginning to think all of these wonderfully kind people had never been with a small penis! lol. However, I have to say I believe that a woman could be satisfied with a small penis IF he made up for it in other ways. Let's just say the small penis I was with offered no other skills in bed ...then a small penis. So in that case. Nope. Not gonna work.