“Look,” I told her. “I never asked about your boobs. I never even thought about them. That’s the truth.” She looked at me with a look that said yeah right, you’re a dude. I just continued like I didn’t notice. “Your breasts, if you ever choose to show them to anyone, are a gift. It doesn’t matter what they look like, they’re a gift to that other person. They’re your breasts for crying out loud. And they’re beautiful, I guarantee it. Don’t ever treat them like they’re a commodity.”
Well, I suppose anybody could have fed her a line like that to shut her up and get her to feel comfortable when and if it ever did come time to start ripping each other’s clothes off with wild abandon. But I didn’t really care about that. Something suddenly wasn’t sitting right with me about women in this day and age, and their concern of their breasts in general.
I continued word vomiting my perspective all over her because I seem to have some sort of disease that won’t let me keep my over-boiling thoughts to myself. I won’t quote the dialogue, but my thoughts and our subsequent discussion went along the lines of something like this.
Men are obsessed with the size of their penises for some reason.
Women are obsessed with the shape and size of their breasts for some reason.
If a guy doesn’t have a porn-worthy penis, he often thinks every girl is going to judge him harshly for it.
If a girl doesn’t have porn-worthy breasts, she often thinks every guy is going to judge her harshly for it.
But I don’t think that’s true at all. Will there be those people in the world who always have to have some perfect magazine-quality naked someone de-clothing across from them? Absolutely. But they’re also the jerks who throw a ten dollar bill on the bed and tell their new visitor to catch a cab home. They’re not the kind of people who you or I will generally ever be with.
No, we tend to all end up with everyday ordinary people.
And here’s the truth about everyday ordinary people.
If over time, I am with ten different women who take their shirts off, one or two of them might actually have epically fantastic porn-quality breasts. The rest are just, well, normal. Meaning that they cover just about every shape and size. Some have been nursed on. Some aren’t perfectly symmetrical. Some are tiny. Some are huge. Some have little nipples. Some have large nipples. Yes, breasts are as extremely different as the women they are attached to.
And also… If over time, a woman is with ten different men who take their pants off, one or two of them might actually have an epically fantastic porn-quality penis. The rest are just, well, normal. Meaning that they come in any shape and they come in every different girth and angle. Some are the American average of 5.5” long. Some are the French average of 7” long. Some are more the average of the countries with smaller penises. Yes, penises are as different as the men they are attached to.
And here is some more truth.
Women need to understand how the average man views breasts.
Men need to understand how the average woman views penises.
And I’m not just making this up. Since having this conversation, I have polled almost all my closest friends, and I am convinced that the following is true for the average everyday human being. You know… you and me.CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE