Let’s be honest, here.
Old people can get away with saying just about whatever they want.
And we applaud them for it. Or, at the very least, are entertained by it.
Over on the Single Dad Laughing Facebook wall, I asked you what was the funniest thing you’ve ever heard an old person say. These were your hilariously awful, and somehow completely okay to laugh at, replies.
GRANDMAS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS
1. “Oops, grandma farted… Oops grandma farted… Oops grandma farted… ah screw it… I’m surprised I am not crapping myself. Why is everyone watching me? I’m yelling again aren’t I? Well, yours in the car was worse.”
2. At Thanksgiving dinner at my house, my grandmother was there. She had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s about three years prior and the disease was presenting itself more often and obviously. After the dinner plates were cleared, my husband went and sat down next to her and my grandfather. My grandma, who was always a beautiful, feisty woman, looked at him and said, “Oh my, you are so handsome, I don’t believe we’ve met, my name is Eileen,” and she placed her hand on his arm. My husband chuckled and everyone did a sort of collective sad smile as her Alzheimer’s “kicked in.” My husband said, “Eileen you are very beautiful, my name is Eddie, but your husband Roy over there, might not like me saying so.” She leaned in to Eddie and said, “Just pretend he’s not there; I have Alzheimer’s, so that’s what I’m doing.”
3. When serving food, my Grams has been known to say, “I’m just going to use my hands, it’s not like I’ve been playing with myself or anything.”
4. “Of course, I still have sex at my age. I mean, does chocolate quit tasting good when you get older?”
5. A woman well into her 70’s was eating dinner with a friend at one of my tables. She calls my co-worker over, presses a five dollar bill into his hand, and says “Thank you, young man.” Confused, my co-worker smiles and says he had no idea what he’d done and she cut him off mid comment with, “I’ve been here for over an hour, and have enjoyed you the entire time. You have the best looking ass that I have seen since World War II, and where I come from, it is customary to tip the floor show!” She then proceeded to give one of his butt cheeks a gentle squeeze as she got up to leave the table.
6. Yesterday an old lady told me she’s been wasting her life. She said she should have been evil and spent her time slutting it up like Lindsay Lohan.
7. I dated a rather fat guy, and when he was having dinner with my family once my father asked him if he’d like him to pass the gravy his way. My date replied, “I’m not big on gravy,” and Dad says: “You got big on something!”
8. Me: “How ya doing grandma?” Grams: “I’ve got diarrhea. Ain’t that the shits?!”
9. My grandma was having a brain fart and instead of saying, “we’re up to our asses in ear plugs,” she said, “we’re up to our ears in ass plugs.”
10. “My teeth are like the stars. They come out at night!”