I woke up the next morning to the ding of email after email on my phone. I thought for sure my email had been hacked. Instead, it was you. Pouring out generosity to me, someone that you do not know. When I saw the blog post, I was in literal shock. This is by far the biggest gulp of pride I have ever had to swallow. It is difficult for me not to stress about how I can possibly pay each of you back and how I can show Dan and each of you individually the depths of my gratitude. I am driving myself crazy with it. It feels impossible. You never realize how prideful and stubborn you are until you lose complete control of accepting the generosity of others. I don’t like accepting help. In fact, I hate it. And I usually have the ability to control it. But Dan robbed me of that with one of the greatest acts of love and kindness I have ever experienced in my life. If Dan would have given me the choice of whether or not he would write that post, I would not only have said “no,” but “hell no.” And he knew it. But he did it anyway, because he loves me. I am forever grateful.
You, Dan’s readers, are absolutely, mind-blowingly incredible. With Dan’s love and goodness, he has attracted the most amazing group of people on this earth. I am astounded. I am humbled. As I read your comments, I feel genuine love from you. It is inspiring to say the least.
I have two giant fears in my life. The first is losing one of our children. The second is being a burden to anyone, especially the people that I love. This is a very real fear for me. I am perpetually early for fear that I might make someone wait. I have a literal phobia of inconveniencing someone. MS reminds me of that fear every single day. It’s the most difficult part of the disease for me. I never want anyone to have to take care of me. My comfort zone is independence and taking care of the people that I love. But I have met my match with stubbornness. Each night, AJ and I have the same argument. And every time, AJ wins. The argument goes something like this:
AJ: “Roll over on your tummy and let me massage you honey.”
Me: “No sweetheart. Thank you. It’s late and you have to get up early. I’m fine. Snuggle me and let’s get some sleep.”
AJ: “You are hurting, and I want to help. Please babe. I am not going to sleep until you let me massage you. The longer you argue, the longer it will be until I’m able to go to sleep.”
Me: (Rolling over) “UGGGGGHHH!!!! Thank you sweetheart.”
Last night, I was putting up an extra big fight, and he told me that if I would roll over, he would sing me a song. He knows I can’t refuse his beautiful singing voice. And so I lay there, listening to him sing, rubbing my aching body to make it feel better.