1. When I was still investigating child abuse cases, a perp called me a bacon bit, I was too small to be called a pig!
  2. “Isn’t it rather dangerous to use one’s entire vocabulary in a single sentence?” From Disney’s ‘Oliver & Company’
  3. “You should eat some of your make up so you can be pretty on the inside.”
  4. When I was a kid on a cross country car trip, having lunch at a truck stop a couple of truckers were eating at a table behind us. One of them started choking and coughing on his food. The other guy says to him, “I wish you’d either die or shut up.”
  5. I was in a conference room with my coworkers waiting for a staff meeting to start. We were talking candidly about the working conditions which were quite stellar. I said, “I can’t believe that I get to come here every day AND they pay me for it too.” One of the others in the room replied, “We can’t believe they pay you for what you do either.”
  6. “You shut your mouth when you’re talking to me!” -Wedding Crashers
  7. I was informed by my baby bother that i was a “Penis wrinkle”. He was 4.
  8. My daughter once yelled at my husband and me, “I wish I had never met you two!”
  9. Guy 1: You’re fat! Guy 2: Only reason I’m fat is because every time I bang your mom she feeds me sandwiches.
  10. A man once got so irate with me for correcting him in an English class that he turned around in his desk and said, “You’re dumb. And you’re also stupid!”
  11. “Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!” – Monty python.
  12. In response to the person who told his or her mother she couldn’t make a joke, the mother said, “I made you.”
  13. My 4 year old to his sister : “Stop singing! You sound like an old granny being eaten by a shark!”
  14. “You are about as useful as a knitted condom.”
  15. Overheard at a bar… Guy to girl: Hey Baby, how about you come with me and I slip you nine inches? Girl to guy: I don’t think you can get it up three times in a row…
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Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he's most known for, with more than 2 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It's an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!