dan-pearce-dating-profile-1

User name: SingleDadLaughing80

Relationship Status: Amazing enough to be divorced twice. Ahem. By the age of 30.

Age: Just a hair under 34. But maturity-wise, more like 22. Wisdom-wise, more like 176.

Have kids: Yes. And a damn cool one.

Wants kids: Whoo boy, that’s a loaded question.

Ethnicity: White/Caucasian. Also, 1/8th something dark with naturally big gorgeous muscles, most likely Polynesian. We’re not really sure who my great grandpa was.

Body type: athletic baby. In a kind of a Babe Ruth sort of way.

Oh wait. That comma makes a difference. “Athletic, baby.”

Height: 76”. That is also a test to see if you can do math.

Faith: I have faith in the fact that no matter how much I eat, I’ll always get hungry again eventually. Oh, and I’m agnostic.

Smoke: Well that’s a tough question. I smoke like one grape flavored cigarillo a year when I drink. If that. But the options on this site are “never” and “sometimes.” How about a new option, “one cigarillo a year, half of which I usually drop because I’m drinking and it breaks on the sidewalk.”

Drink: Let’s put it this way. Certain alcohol has beneficial antioxidants. And I like to fight cancer sometimes.

My Headline: I am not here looking for a hook-up. I have class, people! Unless you’re into that sort of thing.

Words that prove how vain or un-vain I am (my profile): Here’s the deal. I am almost really hot, but not quite really hot. I am almost somewhat famous, but not really somewhat famous at all. I am almost rich, but not really rich at all. I am dark. But only until my blonde roots start growing in. I also dye my beard. And my armpit hair is blonde, which is aaaawwwwkward at the swimming pool. For you. I don’t care. I am tall. I’m not almost tall. I didn’t cheat to get tall. That one is legit.

Hm. Not sure that paragraph sold you on me. Let’s try this.

I am sexy (according to my mom), adventurous (according to my best friend), successful (compared to a monkey riding a pig), and a damned good catch (compared to an old boot off the Santa Monica Pier).

Yeah. That should get the emails flowing.

In all seriousness though, I shall now do what so many people do on here, and tell you all the things that I don’t want in a girl, and that I hate, and that are deal breakers.

Starting with…

Oh, come on. Do I look like a negative-dwellig lame-o like all those other people?

Hm. I guess that was a little bit negative.

Let’s go for positive here.

I don’t have HIV.

Oh wait. That would be negative. Let’s try again.

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I LOVE FITNESS!

I LOVE WORKING OUT!

LOOK AT ME, STANDING ON MY HEAD ON A BALL!

I LOVE LOOKING IN THE MIRROR WHEN I’VE JUST HAD AN ARM DAY!

I AM SO STRONG I COULD PICK UP A HOUSE.

WITH AN ELEPHANT STANDING ON TOP OF IT!

Hm. Nope. Too positive. And too vain. And perhaps a little exaggerated. I see that now. I didn’t hear it while I wrote it, but I definitely see it when I read it.

Let’s try something in the middle.

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