Political Views: Don’t be a jerk. Don’t vote for jerks. Don’t pass jerk laws.
Sign: Gemini. And I revolve my entire life around it.
At least I think I’m a Gemini. I should go look that up to be sure.
And this horoscope (did I say that correctly) I just found doesn’t fit me at all!
Favorite hot spots: When I have a fever, my forehead. When I wake up in the morning, my Keurig. When it is winter, my bathtub. When it is spring, a tanning bed. When I am making love, the…
That was a test to see if you’re a perv. You fail. Or pass. However you wanna take it.
College: Oops, I’m conveniently not answering this.
Favorite things: Seriously? Have I not shared enough of my favorite things? Fine. Here are some more. Poker. Game nights. Skiing. Ugly sweater parties. Tossing little things into my sister’s cleavage just to aggravate her.
For fun: I really must be reading this site wrong because I think it’s ALL been answered. There literally is not one more thing I can add here. URGH! This is the worst!!!
Oh, I know something fun. I love being positive!
Last Read: I read the last paragraph of this dating profile, at least twelve times, just to make sure it was as funny as I think I am.
What I’m Looking for: Finally, the good stuff. I like that I get to be super specific. Almost as fun as ordering a mail-order bride.
Her Height: 6’4”. I’m tired of neck cricks and I bet girls who are shorter than me are tired of them, too! I will also happily settle for any woman shorter than 6’4”. Taller though? I don’t know… Might as well try it out.
Her Body Type: I want her to have a six pack. I want her to also be soft and huggable. I also want her to have little perky boobs that are cute. And giant boobs that are comforting to rest against on hard days. I also want her to be able to spell her name in the air with her butt. Find me a girl that meets all these criteria, please.
Her Eyes: Has anyone in the history of anyone ever said (and meant it), “I only want a girl with green eyes!” For real. Any color will do as long as your eyebrows aren’t always slanted and angry above them.
Her Hair: I’d definitely prefer a girl with hair.
Smokes: One grape flavored cigarillo per year. No more. No less.
Drinks: I want someone as passionate about fighting cancer as I am.
Her Income: Super wealthy, preferably. I’d like a sugar mama. If you’re not wealthy, then maybe… I don’t know… kind of wealthy? If not kind of wealthy, I suppose any income level will do.
Has Kids: Loaded question. Skipping.
Wants Kids: Loaded question. Skipping.
Her Ethnicity: Preferably someone with at least one of the natural skin colors that exists on this planet. “Tanning-Bed-Orange” is not an ethnicity.
Her Faith: No practicing Mormons. It’s not that I don’t like you, it’s that I like my coffee more. And you aren’t as passionate as I am about fighting cancer via methods of fermentation.
Her Languages: English. Or maybe it would teach me deeper and more universal ways of communicating if I choose Tagalog. Or Farsi. Or German.
Never mind. No German. I’d always think you were mad at me.
Her Education: I won’t judge your genius on your ability to climb a tree if you won’t judge me on my ability to swim up a river. Or whatever.
My idea of a great date: One where we look deep into each other’s eyes and we just know that we were meant to be together. Or, one where we look deep into each other’s eyes, and we just know that we were meant to make out with each other. Either way, I’m good.
Send me an email if you’re interested. And attach some pictures. When you don’t, I think that you are a big man named Jimmy who will chain me up and beat me.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing