There are also times when, for just a day or two, my straightness disappears, and I just kind of want a man. I crave a man. Sexually. It’s like a light switch gets turned on (or off as you’ll take it), and women are icky to me. But this only lasts for a day or two. The switch is flipped again. And women are all I want. For weeks. It has been this way since I was eleven years old.
God. Can you imagine how confusing that is? I’m as human as any of us. I want things to be black and white when it comes to my own sexuality. I want to just be one way or the other. The sexuality-light-switch scares me because I can’t control when it happens or how it happens. It just happens.
This is also the reason I stick to women. I get them. I understand them. I relate to them. I love the chase. I love being the big tough protector. I love snuggling them. I love love love kissing them (something that used to strangely not be true). And, more than anything, they are who I want some 95% of the time. When I’m in straight-mode, I don’t ever look at a man and feel sexual interest. It’s only when that switch flips.
That’s me. And you know what? I’ve met a couple people like that. I’ve received emails from so many people (men especially) who are as confused about it as I am because it’s the same way for them.
Then there are some people who are just sexually attracted to both genders at the same time. I don’t understand this as much as I don’t understand my own weirdness. It’s never been that way for me.
Then there are the gays. I have so many gay friends. I’ve had so many conversations about sexuality with them since I came out as bisexual. They don’t get my bisexuality. Yet…
Almost all of them tell me that they aren’t completely gay.
Almost all of them confide in me that they could see themselves with a woman from time to time.
Many of them were once very sexually active with women.
Then there are the straights. I have so many straight friends. I’ve had so many conversations about sexuality with them since I came out as bisexual. They don’t get my sexuality. Yet…
So many of them, in the right setting, and sometimes with a few drinks in them, will confess that sometimes they feel slight twinges of sexual attraction to their same sex.
So many of them will straight-up (no pun intended) confess to being a little more than just a little bit curious about it.
So many of them confide in me that they are probably a little tiny bit gay sometimes. “But only like 1%!” Haha. I hear that a lot.
Then there’s me. Listening to all these people, wondering why everyone seems to be like me, but nobody will admit it. And nobody will embrace it.
There’s me. Listening to my gay friends tell me one thing, and then constantly verbalize their sexual loathing of the opposite sex to their gay and straight comrades alike.
There’s me. Listening to all my straight friends tell me one thing, and then constantly declare how straight they are to all of their straight and gay friends alike.
And I am in the middle. Hearing all this. Seeing all this. Wondering what the hell I am. And wondering why so many people have been painted into so many corners.
This is the part of labels that I hate.
I hate the label gay. Personally.
I hate the label straight. Personally.
I hate the label bisexual. A lot.