Well, I thought about standing up in between singers and telling all the Mormons, who I’m sure were awesome people, that they needed to tip the staff as if they were downing booze. You know… if they wanted to not be jerk wads. That was the beer and my long-standing friendly relationship with our waitress making me want to do that.
Instead, I looked around at all of their laughing, smiling faces, and I decided to let them go on in their happy inconsideration, and slipped the waitress a hundred dollar bill. I told her, “make sure to keep them all hydrated. Singing is hard work.”
She was a very happy camper after that.
I had an extra hundred to give because the night before I had won four hundred bucks at a poker game at my friend’s house.
You gotta give when you get. Know what I’m saying?
And Mormons in Utah… please know that you are SO welcome in our amazingly fun, crazy, and silly drinking establishments. Just don’t be weenies with your tips. Order drinks even if they’re non-alcoholic. Order food if it’s available. Support the businesses that are letting you come in and drain their resources and take their tables. Peer pressure your friends into paying tips that would be equivocal to the tips you’d leave if you had downed a few. Then add a couple bucks onto that to be extra awesome.
I’m not sure that story made me respectable at all. But it needed to be said. It’s a difficult problem here in Utah.
The land of the weird.
The land where you have some of the country’s most liberal people mixed with a lot of the country’s most conservative people. It turns it into a crazy awesome environment that I love living in.
I just feel bad for some Utahns.
Particularly those who don’t drink coffee because of their religious beliefs that hot drinks are a big no-no.
I remember when I used to be Mormon, I never drank coffee. I proudly held my head high and declared that I didn’t need or want such things! I boasted of the addiction I DIDN’T have. I had a thousand reasons why it was truly a bad thing to drink coffee.
Then I left the church. And eventually I actually forced myself to drink a cup of coffee because it was the only thing at breakfast. And…
My dearie me.
My dearie, dearie me.
My dearie, dearie, dearie me.
My eyes burst open with awakeness!
My mind turned on and became focused!
My energy was light and full!
I was the happiest freaking person ALIVE!