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kicked-gnome

He looked at me and cracked a half-crack grin. I looked at him with a look that said, are you here to kill me? If so, please don’t. His shiny two teeth confirmed that he was.

“Can I come in?” were the first words out of his mouth. He held up his squirt bottle like it was a search warrant.

“Excuse me?”

“Can I come in? I’d like to show you this.” And as if his first words not being “you may want to close the door on me right now” weren’t enough, he stepped forward as if I would automatically let him through the doorway.

Instead I filled every gap of it that I could, puffing my chest and letting him know he had already crossed every social boundary that a human being should cross. I thought about yelling into the back of my empty house, “Hank, bring the shotgun, we’ve got another one.” Instead, I gave him a friendly death stare and said, “No, who are you?”

He looked at me like I was truly stupid. “I sell cleaning products that won’t kill your kids,” he said rather rudely.

You mean you want to come inside and kill my kid, I thought rather rudely, thankful that Noah was with his mom. “I’m not interested,” I told him in a way that said, conversation done here.

Instead of leaving, he stepped even closer as if he was going to barge through. “Look,” he said. “This stuff is good. Let me just show you on your oven really quick.”

“Hey, I said I’m not interested,” I said as I literally blocked his attempt to enter again. “You don’t just barge into people’s homes without being invited.” I was getting a bit angry at this point. This was one pest that needed to be exterminated.

That’s when he pulled the old, “your neighbors told me” thing. “I’m sorry,” he said, acting so offended. He looked down at his clipboard. Your neighbors Sarah, and Jennifer, and…” he pointed to the house to my right. “What’s his name again?”

I lied. “It’s Cliff.”

“Yeah, that’s it, Cliff,” he said. “They all loved it and bought it and told me you would definitely be interested as well.

I don’t know any Sarah in my row of townhomes. I don’t know any Jennifer. And Cliff definitely wasn’t the name of a guy who lived next door.  Next door was a single mom.

“What did Cliff say, exactly?” I asked.

“You mean after he just about cleaned me out of product?”

“Yeah. After that.”

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Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he’s most known for, with more than 2 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It’s an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!