Suddenly, somewhere over Northern Canada, a male flight attendant’s voice came over the PA, rather annoyed. “Attention passengers. It is completely against airline policy for passengers to consume their own alcohol onboard. We will take action if we learn that you are doing it.”
That was weird. I’ve been on literally hundreds of flights and never heard an announcement like that.
Suddenly it all made a world of sense as four flight attendants personally escorted some dude back to his empty seat three rows behind me. He was drunk as a skunk in a whiskey barrel, wobbling, blabbering, and making a general nuisance of himself.
Thirteen minutes later…
Oh my gosh. I can’t say it. But I have to say it. Argh, it was so awful.
I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.
The dude puked EVERYWHERE.
Screams immediately rang out from everyone in a ten foot vicinity of the retching man. People began hollering and whooping and screaming in fear and disgust. A flight attendant appeared and quickly started waving and yelling to other attendants. The smell of vomit and hard alcohol flooded the cabin.
I looked to my right. Giant butt crack guy had turned his attention to the vomit-induced pandemonium. Yay! No butt crack in my face for a few minutes. I turned to my left, my seat mate was sitting high in his own seat trying to look behind him at the commotion. He was completely in his own seat. Yay! A moment to sit straight up and not feel forced into the aisle!
I leaned back, put my headphones on, covered my mouth with my shirt and took a deep breath of relief for the small moment of comfort I was feeling for the first time on the flight while the entire universe seemed to unravel around me.
And all that is true. Completely true.
Can you see why I don’t know if it was the most awesome or the crappiest flight ever?
Eh, who am I kidding. There is no doubt it was the best plane ride ever.
Oh, and I tried to get a selfie of the guy’s Grand Canyon butt crack right next to my face, but I totally chickened out every time. It was just too obvious what I was taking a picture of, and that guy already had a tricky enough life without his butt crack being shown to hundreds of thousands of people. Guaranteed.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing