’Twas the Monday before Christmas, when all through the house, I sat in my sweatpants and contemplated my life…
What am I doing with this life of mine?
That’s a question I have been asking late into the night lately as I fight my restless leg syndrome which has come back with a vengeance these past couple weeks. I have no idea why it came back. It’s kind of a jerk. And no, sorry friends and family, contemplating my life does not mean I am wondering if I should go back to being a Mormon with y’all. Hahaha. It’s gonna take another break up or two for that.
Hm. Maybe now is not the time for my twisted colloquial humor. Where was I? Oh yes, late night life ponderings.
I married once, and then again. Both marriages ended eventually. One ended at the scheduled itch, the other nearly as soon as it began. But Christmas while I was married…
Christmas was always such a wonderful time, even in the depth of nonfunctional relationship. It was my favorite time of year because the fighting and pettiness just kind of… stopped. The genuine caring just kind of… peaked. And for a few weeks we could always step outside of our problems long enough to be so good to each other.
So many fond memories I have of Christmases when I was married. It really was my favorite season of the year. By far.
The last Christmas I had while in a relationship was five years ago. I have been single five Christmases in a row now. It is a lonely time of year for me and so many others.
Last week I drove downtown and passed out my annual gifts to the homeless at Pioneer Park. It was a good day. But it was also a sad day. It’s hard to do things alone that I used to do with someone else, no matter how rewarding.
I went on a date last night to try and take my mind off of things. It came out that she knew about my blog and she used words like “famous.” Ugh. It was such a great date. But it reminded me of just how weird and alone I really am in this SDL venture of mine, and how difficult things really are in the dating world alongside it. Double ugh.
We just talked for five hours straight. Such good conversation. The discussion led to an honest conversation about loneliness. I tried to explain the same thing I’ve tried to explain to a handful of people before, but never quite could with how it related to me and all of you. Sometimes the loneliest place in the world is standing in the middle of a crowded and happy room.
A few days ago, I drove home after a very difficult moment in my life. I parked in my garage with the engine running. I left the overhead door to the frozen street behind me open, and listened to the same sad song on repeat for over an hour. My thoughts kept drifting to some strange fantasy of closing the garage door and keeping the engine going. I am not suicidal and never did contemplating actually doing it enter my heavy mind as a real thought at all. I simply fantasized for a moment here and there about how easy it would be to drift away forever and stop feeling anything at all. I don’t feel bad about those thoughts. Nearly everyone on Earth gets them from time to time.