To the few panty-twisted Mormons

Warning. I am in an overly snarky mood.

I know it’s Saturday, and I know I never post on Saturday, and I know very few people will see this because of that, but… I just have to reply to a specific few of the replies that came in on the Oh, You Mormon Girls! post.

I’ve tried to stay out of the conversation that ensued the way one would stay away from a dimly lit street corner in Tijuana. Ain’t nothin’ good gonna happen there. Ever. Hahaha.

Anyway, why some of the discussion turned to verbal battle, I don’t know. Whatever. It’s the internet. Should I expect anything different?

I wrote that blog post for no other reason than to laugh at how funny life sometimes is for a person living and dating within a dominant conservative and religious subculture of which he is not a subscriber. Believe it or not, what I wrote wasn’t a bash on Mormons (by any means). It wasn’t created to spread false information. It also wasn’t written by a meanie-face jerk who hates you for no reason.

First of all to the panty-twisted few, learn to read the sarcasm in humorous or satirical writing. This is a blog, not a fully trustworthy source such as, oh, I don’t know… Fox News. Expect there to be some exaggerations and sarcasm when I write stuff like that. For the record, no, I do not actually think that most Mormons see no eternal difference between murder and drinking a beer. I just think that the majority of them do.

See what I did there? If you don’t, I suggest clicking this page closed and never coming back. It’s just too painful to hang out together from here on out.

Second of all, this is 2015. Enough of the persectution-mentality, already. Not everyone is out to get you. I’m certainly not out to get you. I deeply love 90% of all Mormons in my life and think they’re f***ing awesome. Thank goodness 90% of the Mormons who did read my blog post aren’t martyrs and actually laughed and actually agreed with most of what I said because… in or out, it is a valid discussion and valid viewpoints were definitely presented. And yes, just like Fox News always does, I did a very thorough study to make sure that the 90% statistic I just gave you was completely accurate. Both times I used it.

Speaking of statistics, 100% of you should have caught what I did that time because I told the original 10% of sarcastically-crippled people to click this page closed. And on the web, people are fairly obedient to weirdo bloggers and their requests, right?

Where were we? Oh yes…

Third of all, let’s talk about two common responses that kept popping up in the comments:

“Dan, us Mormons are allowed to laugh, darn it all! Why would you say we aren’t? Don’t spread false information!”

And this one: “Dan, all I ask is for you to respect our beliefs the way we respect yours!”

Okay. The laughing thing. Goodness, peeps. There is a solemn vow you Mormons take in your temples where you promise God, angels, and present witnesses that you will avoid loud laughter. I was simply laughing (don’t worry, not loudly) about how funny a thing that was. Admit it. That one’s kiiiiiiinda funny. A little bit? A tiny bit? A smidgy-widgy-itty-bit?

Did you know I was raised Mormon? Did you know I was once married in one of your temples? Did you know I served a good chunk of a Mormon mission? Did you know I actually do know what I’m talking about because I lived it for three decades? But enough about that. Don’t call me out on the laughing thing when you obviously know less than I do about that part of things. It’s just embarrassing for both of us at this point.

What I really want to talk about is the “respect our beliefs!” comment that I saw spring up a few times.

Hm. How do I answer that except to say this:

Dear believing and active Mormons…