dan-pearceAs I sat down to type this, I received a text from a good friend telling me how great I’m looking with all of my hard effort. I think that’s what he said anyway. I only saw the first few lines. I purposefully am not reading it because right now my heart is so heavy, my gut is so uneasy, and I want to believe that very little in my life is right at the moment.

Humaning is hard sometimes.

2015 is here. There’s this giant, beautiful, blank slate of an opportunity to start fresh, and make this year whatever I want it to be, and to enjoy the adventure that life takes me on from here. Instead, I cannot stop thinking about how the last year ended. I cannot stop taking the very real pain and feeding that pain until it turns into some silly fear which might not ever let me move forward.

Humaning is hard sometimes.

In 2014 I gave my heart to everything. I really believe I didn’t have anything more than what I gave. I risked so much physically, emotionally, financially, and mentally. I took such big risks. And the year ended so poorly in so many ways. My ass got handed to me at the last Tough Mudder. The love I thought would last a lifetime fell completely apart and I still have not figured out why. Not really. I couldn’t launch a single app before the end of the year after I have invested so much into these apps. And to top it all off, on New Years Eve, I got sucked into the middle of a crazy drama sandwich between two good friends that has just depleted whatever was left on a night when I went out to just let go of life and… be.

The human experience. It sucks sometimes.

My heart has not, for more than a brief moment, stopped aching since my breakup. It feels that stab of rejection. That feeling of failure. That fear I feel creeping in of opening myself up again to anyone else the way I did for this one. That thought hurts almost more than anything else. How can I love again? How can I trust? How can I ever get over this bottomless pit that separates me from the reality I deep down know which says, “the next one will be different and amazing, dummy.”

Humaning is hard sometimes.

Yesterday I felt the heaviness so much that I sat alone in my living room, retreated far back into the deepest cushions of my sofa. I sat for there hours. I said nothing. I did nothing. I tried to think about nothing. Instead, I thought about everything, unable to turn my mind off. Many times I thought about getting up and doing anything. Those thoughts were always quickly replaced with thoughts of, what’s the point.

Humaning is hard sometimes.

Sleep usually helps. Last night it didn’t. This morning I felt it so deeply again as I sat at my computer trying to figure out what to type that will somehow make all of you laugh. None of you want to follow a depressed blogger forever. I sure as hell wouldn’t. But forcing happiness only added so much gravity to the heaviness. I cannot be a fraud in my writing. To do so would ruin even this for me. And right now, writing is almost everything to me.

Finally, after an hour or so of staring at a blank computer screen, my alarm went off. Time to go pick up my boy. I hadn’t seen him in a week. My heart lightened up. I never realize how much it weighs on me to go so long without him on these school breaks until I get him back. Yes. God. My life’s greatest constant has been gone for so long. Time to get things in perspective.

Half an hour later, my boy was in my arms. The heaviness of the world and my failures pulling me down disappeared from my life for one glorious hour. We laughed. We hugged. We told each other jokes. We played. Our happiness, which is a happiness so unique to the two of us, is all I have been needing. It is all I have been missing to feel right about the blank slate before me and the mess behind me.

But, it wasn’t to last. Today was Nana camp, and an hour after I got him, I dropped him off with Nana to go have the most fun-filled day ever with his cousins. Back home I came. Back to the computer I sat. Back at the screen I stared. And I tried to think of anything funny as the heaviness pressed into me hard once more.

Humaning is hard sometimes.

Hm.

Ugh.

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Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he's most known for, with more than 1.4 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It's an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!