funny-alcohol-storyI’m purely a social drinker, and would you believe… I didn’t start drinking until I was 30, and wow. Did it ever come with a learning curve when I started.

Now, I’m definitely not one to encourage over-imbibing or dangerous and illegal behavior, but having been there myself a time or ten, I sure as heck love hearing the stories of the times others have been to the same place I was New Years 2011. My favorite is that most drunk stories start with the line, “Oh gosh. Many, many years ago…”

Ah, yes. New Years Eve, 2011. The Fremont Street New Years Eve Party in Las Vegas.

First of all, naive and slightly younger me had no idea that alcohol is served differently in Utah than it is Las Vegas. In fact, naive and slightly younger me, had no idea that the Utah alcohol I had been drinking is barely alcohol at all since Utah has some of the strictest alcohol content and serving laws in the world. Also, naive and slightly younger me had no idea that mixing different types of alcohol had its ways of making one’s brain do cray crazy things. Enough said.

One GIANT margarita later (pictured here from that very night back when I was a well-groomed blondie), a plastic boot full of strawberry daiquiri, and another big something full of something later, things started getting fuzzy.

Long story very short, I woke up with a lot of photos on my phone that were quickly destroyed, and I also woke up with a full-color 16×20 pastel caricature of me and a girl I barely knew, and the $100 receipt for it in my wallet. Because when you’re drunk… well, you know. Cartoons of yourself are important if one is to properly document the night. Hahaha.

Anyway, I was telling that story to a friend the other day and I thought, I wonder if all of you would share your fantastic drunk stories. I posted this to the Single Dad Laughing Facebook wall: “Knowing that I might use it in a blog post, what is the stupidest or craziest non-sexual thing you’ve done while drunk?” You did not disappoint! In fact, 1600 of you replied! These were my favorites. And thank you for hours of the best laughs I’ve had in ages!

“Oh gosh. Many, many years ago…”
35 Amazing Tales of Inebriation
  1. “After day drinking all day, I got in a fight with a mom for having her kid in a bar at crazy hours. My boyfriend informed me we were actually at a family pizza parlor and it was only 7pm.” ~Erin
  2. “Exchanged our whole neighborhood’s outdoor furniture with opposite neighbor. Took us about 6 hours…the faces and questions in the neighborhood the next day…PRICELESS! We were only caught 12 years later while someone slipped their tongue amongst a group of our parents. Oh, memories.” ~Melissa
  3. “I tackled a cow.” ~Joe
  4. “I tried to make a military police officer go away by blowing air at him, like one would do with dust.” ~Toni
  5. “I stole a French fry from a couple at a nearby table. I slowly licked it then ate it while maintaining eye contact with the couple. Then slowly walked away… Haha. It was much more hilarious than it sounds…” ~Emily
  6. “I broke my foot running from a skunk that turned out to be a cat. Once I was on the ground, said cat came over to me and meowed until I pet it. Super.” ~Kelsey
  7. “Climbed on a friend’s roof, could not get down, asked another drunk friend to help, he said, “just fall, I will catch you!” 25 years later… he gets semi-regular injections in that shoulder, and I have an irrational fear of low-slung roofs. Still friends, though!” ~James
  8. “Many years ago (emphasis on many, as the statute of limitations has run out) my roommates and I decided it would be awesome fun to steal a plastic palm tree (two buildings over, no less!) in the hallway of our apartment complex. The next day, after asking ourselves why we were in possession of this ugly plant, one of our neighbors told us that another one of the neighbors was extremely pissed off that his potted palm tree had been taken and when he found out who took it, they would be going to jail! After deliberation about returning it or possibly going to jail, we decided, in our 20 year old wisdom, to cut the tree up, and take it out in a couple of laundry baskets (with laundry piled on top of the murdered palm tree) to dispose of it in a dumpster a couple of miles away. Tony Soprano would have been proud.” ~Cindy
  9. “At 3am, current husband and I went to ex-husband’s house and rang the doorbell like crazy until he came to the door half awake. Then we drenched him with super soaker water guns!” ~Rebecca
  10. “Called someone while peeing (no idea why I felt the need to do that)… Fell off the toilet and into the bathtub. Started crying because I thought the toilet had suddenly gotten huge, and I couldn’t get out. My ex-boyfriend found me twenty minutes later sobbing and asking to “please pull me out of the toilet! Please!”  Not my finest moment… and he told my entire family, including my grandmother. Not to mention whoever I was talking to on the phone heard the whole thing…” ~Kate
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Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he's most known for, with more than 2 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It's an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!