I have to move in the next few weeks. I haven’t been able to find a house for me and Noah yet…
I have to do my taxes for 2014. I haven’t even attempted to sort out that mess…
Next week I am the leader of the Single Dad Laughing Health Club Tough Mudder team in Arizona. There are 45 of us or so on that team. And it’s happening whether I’m on top of things by then or not.
My inbox is flooded with people who sincerely love these new apps and have such incredible things to say about them. It’s also full of bug reports and a never-ending lists of things to fix on the more than 8,000 devices capable of running them.
And perhaps the hardest of all to choke down in my inbox… I have gotten quite a few many emails from people condemning me for charging (gasp) $4.99 to remove ads in the SDL app. Heaven forbid they pay a few bucks for anything that brings ongoing daily entertainment and value to their lives. I mean, they tell me they love the apps. They want the content that takes hours to put together every day. They just don’t want… Oh gosh. I don’t know what they don’t want. I know what they do want, though.
Free, free, free.
That’s how so many people want everything nowadays, from the big guys like Facebook or Google and just as much so from the little guys like me. Ugh. Maybe I’m just really irked because most of those messages have also been accompanied by secondary condemnation for having ads in the app at all. “They’re annoying!” they holler in the same breath they tell me how much they love the apps and don’t want to pay a few bucks for ad removal. I just want to tell those people to all go the *bleep* away and never come back. My exhausted brain tempts me to send them emotionally charged replies asking why the heck they don’t think it’s okay for me to make a living or why they feel like artists and content creators should starve rather than ever see a cent for what they work so hard to bring to the world. I want to tell them to just friggin’ quit being cheap and entitled like so many people in their generation are, and I want to attach a personalized selfie made just for them of me glaring them down with my kill-you-on-the-spot-crazy-eyes.
Instead, I remind myself that I am beyond high strung and irrational at the moment, and that most people are not like that at all, and that most people are actually incredible, and that the new SDL apps are actually going really well, all launching problems considered. And after I remind myself of that, I then survive those over-entitled people by pretending like I never got their emails at all. I don’t know how else to do it right now. Responding will lead to nothing good. At this point it’d be like writing back to an ex who wrote me just to tell me everything I did to botch it all up.
And it’s not just all of that. I will admit that it is frustrating that I can have 50K or more read a single blog post and less than 300 people will take the time to like it on Facebook after they do so that Facebook shows it to others. I have no idea how to combat that anymore. I long ago began annoying even myself asking you all to help me out with it. So… Urgh. It is what it is, and I’m starting to learn that.
Hahaha. Sorry for the whine-fest. I told you I was rambling and free-writing today. Hahaha.
But enough about that stuff. Life is actually good. I know that. Things are on the brink of smoothing out, I think. And this mental and emotional mayhem will not last forever.
My 3 AM and 4 AM nights working with developers every night may last for a while longer, but they will not last forever.
My strained and suffering relationships with friends, family members, and others may last for a while longer, but they will not be strained and suffer forever.
I’ll find a new home. I’ll get my taxes done. I’ll enjoy the hell out of Tough Mudder (in fact, maybe it’s exactly what I need right now).
All things considered, I think I’ve done all right. I hope I have, anyway. My kid never fully knew the extent of what I was juggling these last many weeks. He went to his other home today… happy. And content. And not feeling neglected. I somehow shuffled things around and pushed pause with everything going on just long enough and just often enough while he was here that he never had to see just how crazy things were for me. He never had to see just how much energy Daddy had to conjure up in order to make those three weeks work and work well for the two of us. And he never had to see just how mentally done I was during every moment of it. Somehow, I always found enough to give him. Somehow he never once suspected that my smiles and laughs were often forced. And miraculously, somehow, everything else still got done.
I feel like, at the end of the day, I was a good Dad. And I did a good job. And like I found a concrete center in my child to focus on as everything else spun so out of control around us.
And now he’s gone. Somehow, I already miss him even though it’s only been hours. With or without him here, my brain is still mush at the moment. My workload is still far from manageable. Him having so much extra time at Dad’s house these last few weeks have actually saved me in so many ways. They have grounded me. And now with him gone, I have nothing to do but dive in deeper, get lost more, and try to get on top of all this in the hope that I get to come up for air soon.
Heavens. I really miss my mind.
I really miss my sanity.
I really miss my daily dedicated time to write more poignant, well thought-out, hilarious, or deeper posts here on SDL.
I really miss feeling like I had everything in my life at least somewhat manageable.
I miss feeling like I was giving to others as much as they are giving to me.
I really miss feeling like things will be okay.
I miss genuinely laughing at all of the ridiculousness and awesomeness that even stressful life is.
I miss feeling like it’s okay to take a moment or two to myself.
And I really miss… me.
Things will get there. Things will calm down. My mind will find itself once more. I will find myself. I have full faith.
Until then… thank you for hanging with me, peeps (and I’m not talking about the cliff I feel I’m hanging from, though there’s plenty of room if you wanna join me and hang on to dear life together). Thank you for everything. So many of you have leaned on me over the years, and right now I am leaning on you so much more. I promise you that.
Just… please. Someone pull me back up over this ledge somehow and point me in the direction of fresh air and sunlight. Someone love me, and give me a genuine long hug, and tell me that even with all this, it will get better. I honestly don’t know how much longer I can hold on here before you all see me on the news, stripping down naked while running through the streets of Salt Lake City, screaming crazy things as I go.
Deep inside, I know it’s all temporary. But right now I feel like I’m slipping. Big time. And I need some serious love with all this going on if I’m being honest…
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS. I promised random rambling. Looks like you got plenty of it. Sorry for any typos. I’m sure there were plenty.