Seasonal depression is SO freaking weird.
I was bound and determined to do everything the right way to curb it as much as possible heading into this past winter. It has gotten worse every year. The more active I get in the non-winter months, the heavier seasonal depression sets in for me. But this last winter… I was gonna control that shit! Vitamin D, Happy light. Tanning. B12. Whatever it took. I wouldn’t fall prey to it yet again.
Famous last thoughts.
An unexpected breakup, an unending heap of stress when life didn’t go as planned (both personal and in business), an upcoming move… It all triggered what was easily the worst seasonal depression I have had yet.
The weird thing about seasonal depression for me is that I know that I have it. I hate that I have it. I wallow in it. I know exactly what I need to do to pull myself out of it. But… Once I’m neck-deep in it, I don’t. There is something about depression that keeps me from treating it, even though I fairly easily could. Makes no sense, I know. It is what it is.
The Earth around here has really warmed the last few weeks. The nights are shortening. The snow is melting from the mountaintops. The birds are hopping around in the trees again. People aren’t shuffling to and fro with their heads down, bundled in jackets and coats. The heavy winter smog drifted elsewhere.
There are more smiles in this world lately.
There is more laughter. There is more hope. There is more excitement. Outdoor markets are opening. Produce is being grown closer and closer to home. People are talking about their summer plans. Suddenly everything about life seems so much more doable.
My seasonal depression left me at some point. I think it may have been the first day I woke up after my surgery and had no pain. The sun was shining so warmly that morning. I walked outside in a tank top and just soaked it in for the longest time. And as I did, I thought the thought that I so easily think all the livelong day when the world is full of color… Life is GOOD.
I look back at those four months or so that I was just so lost in the grayness.
Being a human is so hard when you’re depressed. Being a friend is so hard when you’re depressed. Parenting is hard when you’re depressed. Blogging is really hard when you’re depressed. The genuine laughter leaves my writing, so much of it becomes forced, I stop farting my usual rainbows and riding my usual unicorns, and instead I crack again and again, constantly spewing the depression within me onto digital paper for the whole world to pick apart. Why any of you are still here is beyond me.
Oh, wait. I bet I know why! It’s for the same reason you’re here every spring when I finally spring out of it. It’s because you love me, and I love you, and we all human so incredibly together. It’s because so many of you just get it. It’s because winter didn’t just have its way with me. Winter had its way with most of us.
So, to all of you who are feeling the drab grayness of winter lift…
And to all of you who love the new beginnings that a warm world brings…
And to all of you who love humaning as much as I do, and I mean all of it… The good. The bad. The happy. The sad…
To all of you…
Life is good.
Life is so good.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing