Over on the Single Dad Laughing Facebook page, I asked you what phrases you wish you had coined.

These are sixty of my favorite responses (some of which I’ve never heard, but definitely have added to my verbal repertoire…

01
“Don’t make excuses for nasty people. You can’t put a flower in an asshole and call it a vase.”
02
“Ain’t my circus. Ain’t my monkeys.”
03
“You’re killing me, Smalls!”
04
“If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am right now.”
05
“I’m about as graceful as a pig on ice.”
06
“That’s slicker than snail’s snot.”
07
“He’s at least 12 kinds of stupid.”
08
“She’s as welcome here as a turd on a white rug.”
09
“Glitter is the herpes of the craft world.”
10
“Ain’t nobody got time for that!”
11
“I would agree with you but then we would both be wrong. And really, where does that get us?”
12
“It’s all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.”
13
“You can’t unlick a butt.”
14
“Here’s a straw, go suck the fun out of someone else’s day.”
15
“That’s what she said!”
16
“Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
17
“Shut the front door!”
18
“But… Did you die?”
19
“I ate like tomorrow was a rumor.”
20
“Get your head out of your ass; it’s not a hat.”
CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE
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Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he's most known for, with more than 1.4 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It's an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!