Right now I am just… I don’t know… Freaked out? Sad? Confused? I’m definitely annoyed as heck right now.
One thing I do know: I shall always remember today as the day my honey went missing.
Oh, her sweetness. Gone.
Her familiar curves. No more.
And I don’t know what happened to her or where she took off to. It almost seems impossible. We have had such an amazing relationship for so long now. I have consumed her goodness daily for long enough that I feel like I can’t live without her. And then she just… completely out of nowhere… vanished on me.
Wait. I just realized how that all sounded. Did you think I was talking about a human? Heavens, no. I’m as single today as I was yesterday, and the pillow next to mine will probably be just as empty tomorrow as it will be tonight. And that’s okay by me. I like to sleep diagonal across my bed and fart so loud the cows find their way home. Soft-skinned humans laying beside me tend to make both those things difficult.
But my honey is missing. And I don’t know where in tarnation it could have ended up.
Like, my literal honey. My bottle of honey. My ooey, gooey, sweet, sweet honey bear. It’s gone.
Now, I can understand a rogue M&M falling to the floor and somehow disappearing. It’s happened to me enough times. I understand a Tupperware lid not being in the drawer when I need it. Sometimes I accidentally stick those in weird places. I even understand a human honey disappearing. After all, I sometimes fart like an angry walrus in my sleep. But… an entire honey bottle? Gone? Disappeared? I use it every single day, usually several times, and this bottle was still half-full at least.
I went to the cupboard to grab it to mix some honey into my oatmeal. It wasn’t there. My kitchen was more or less spotless, the counters uncluttered. I shrugged, assuming I must have accidentally stuck it in the wrong cupboard.
42 minutes later I had checked every cupboard, every drawer, the fridge, the freezer, the trash, the microwave, and even the dishwasher. Again, and again, and again, and again, sure I was just not seeing it. It became a quest of sorts, which left my oatmeal cold and congealed. I hadn’t left the house since I used it, and I had just barely used it the night before when I drizzled it onto two steaming-hot black bean burger patties which I then smothered with guacamole. Hey, don’t knock that until you try it. I discovered it by accident and it has become one of my favorite healthy dinners.
Anyway, my honey was gone. I checked my desk. The tables next to my sofa. The end table next to my bed where I sometimes drip honey onto peanut butter pretzels while I Netflix binge. It was gone. Nowhere to be seen. Vanished. And I finally gave up the search.
That was 24 minutes ago, which is when I changed gears, decided to be productive, and sat down and started writing this blog post.
But first, I went and filled a mug with strong hazelnut flavored coffee.
Drinking said coffee made me have to use the bathroom in the middle of writing this blog post.
And there she was.
Friends. I don’t know how it got there. I don’t know when it got there. All I know is that for some reason, I at some point carried my honey into my bathroom and plunked it down on the back of the pooper.
Gold sticker for me. #ImGladThereIsntAStupidTax
I’m just happy my honey found her way back to me. Although, now that I see where she’s been I’m not sure I want her back.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing