Right now I am just… I don’t know… Freaked out? Sad? Confused? I’m definitely annoyed as heck right now.

One thing I do know: I shall always remember today as the day my honey went missing.

Oh, her sweetness. Gone.

Her familiar curves. No more.

And I don’t know what happened to her or where she took off to. It almost seems impossible. We have had such an amazing relationship for so long now. I have consumed her goodness daily for long enough that I feel like I can’t live without her. And then she just… completely out of nowhere… vanished on me.

Wait. I just realized how that all sounded. Did you think I was talking about a human? Heavens, no. I’m as single today as I was yesterday, and the pillow next to mine will probably be just as empty tomorrow as it will be tonight. And that’s okay by me. I like to sleep diagonal across my bed and fart so loud the cows find their way home. Soft-skinned humans laying beside me tend to make both those things difficult.

But my honey is missing. And I don’t know where in tarnation it could have ended up.

Like, my literal honey. My bottle of honey. My ooey, gooey, sweet, sweet honey bear. It’s gone.

Now, I can understand a rogue M&M falling to the floor and somehow disappearing. It’s happened to me enough times. I understand a Tupperware lid not being in the drawer when I need it. Sometimes I accidentally stick those in weird places. I even understand a human honey disappearing. After all, I sometimes fart like an angry walrus in my sleep. But… an entire honey bottle? Gone? Disappeared? I use it every single day, usually several times, and this bottle was still half-full at least.

I went to the cupboard to grab it to mix some honey into my oatmeal. It wasn’t there. My kitchen was more or less spotless, the counters uncluttered. I shrugged, assuming I must have accidentally stuck it in the wrong cupboard.

42 minutes later I had checked every cupboard, every drawer, the fridge, the freezer, the trash, the microwave, and even the dishwasher. Again, and again, and again, and again, sure I was just not seeing it. It became a quest of sorts, which left my oatmeal cold and congealed. I hadn’t left the house since I used it, and I had just barely used it the night before when I drizzled it onto two steaming-hot black bean burger patties which I then smothered with guacamole. Hey, don’t knock that until you try it. I discovered it by accident and it has become one of my favorite healthy dinners.

Anyway, my honey was gone. I checked my desk. The tables next to my sofa. The end table next to my bed where I sometimes drip honey onto peanut butter pretzels while I Netflix binge. It was gone. Nowhere to be seen. Vanished. And I finally gave up the search.

That was 24 minutes ago, which is when I changed gears, decided to be productive, and sat down and started writing this blog post.

But first, I went and filled a mug with strong hazelnut flavored coffee.

Drinking said coffee made me have to use the bathroom in the middle of writing this blog post.

And there she was.

missing-honey-toilet

Friends. I don’t know how it got there. I don’t know when it got there. All I know is that for some reason, I at some point carried my honey into my bathroom and plunked it down on the back of the pooper.

Gold sticker for me. #ImGladThereIsntAStupidTax

I’m just happy my honey found her way back to me. Although, now that I see where she’s been I’m not sure I want her back.

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

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Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he's most known for, with more than 1.4 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It's an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!