WAKING UP STORY #2: I awoke. I was still unable to open my eyes. And I had a boner.
Hey. I TOLD you to leave if that was going to offend you.
It’s life people. Boners happen. It’s science. Geez.
Anyway, I had a boner. I was at full mast. It felt like the worst and most (ahem) powerful morning wood of my life.
And I was for some reason now unable to move at all. I was unable to speak. I just lay there, knowing I had this boner, knowing there were lots of people in that room, and violently wishing it to go away. I knew I should be really embarrassed, I simultaneously didn’t care because my conscious mind wasn’t really there yet. Not even close.
But my boner was. It wouldn’t go away. I wanted it to go away. I drifted in and out of sleep a few times. It was there still every time I came out of it.
And then I remembered my hand raising system to make things work.
Yes! The hand-raising system!
I used all my mental power to lift my hand high in the air. I still hadn’t opened my eyes at this point. I remember I had something to tell the nurse that I knew would make my boner go away. I don’t remember what that was.
“Yes? You. In the front of the class. Hold on.”
And then sassy nurse pulled out a barf bag.
She opened it up.
And she put it over my boner.
“Okay, what it is?” followed by giggles.
I lay there mortified and laughing hysterically, all without making a sound or opening my eyes. Did what I thought just happen really just happen? I couldn’t be sure. Yes. It had. But did it? I think so. Yes. It definitely happened.
And while still pitching a barf bag tent, and never saying what I planned on saying, I fell back asleep.
WAKING UP STORY #3: I don’t know how much time passed after that before I woke up slightly more with it. I was able to open my eyes this time. I looked over at the sound of my same crazy nurse talking to a woman in the bed next to me. “You get to check out now. Your husband is waiting for you.”
I finally got a good look at this nurse. I couldn’t tell you what she looked like. Hey, I was still not to the processing real life stage.
But my boner was gone, so that was good.
There was also an empty barf bag down by my legs. Shit. That really did happen.
I looked over at the still very groggy woman in the hospital bed next to mine. Then up at the nurse. Then at the lady.
“Right now. You and me. Let’s make a run for it,” I told her. She forced her eyes open as she tried to process whatever crazy-man in the bed next to her was saying. I repeated myself. “They’ll never catch us. Let’s make a run for it!”
I thought I was being so funny. She smiled and said, “okay.” She then closed her eyes as they wheeled her out of the room and left me to be crazy all by myself. Away went the Bonnie to my Clyde.
And that was that. I soon woke up enough to be way more with it, and all the funny stuff stopped happening. I don’t know if I ever saw my nurse again. Too bad. I totally would have gotten her digits so she could come tell me awesome stories of her shifts in the recovery room. Plus I’d like to ask her about the boner thing. I bet she’d just laugh and say, “you need to raise your hand before you ask a question.”
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing