Guys don’t cheat. Guys aren’t cheaters. Guys don’t fool around on their girlfriends or boyfriends or husbands or wives. Guys aren’t unfaithful. Guys don’t hop in bed with someone else the first chance they get.
Some guys do.
Certain guys do.
Many guys definitely do.
But all guys don’t, and to simply say “guys do” is unfair hyperbole.
I finally ventured back into the dating world, and the same problem exists now that existed when I left it some time ago. All guys are deemed perpetual cheaters. They are guilty until proven innocent; innocence that never can be proved, by the way, since the fear of another naked human entering the relationship always looms just moments or days away. Guys just cheat. They all cheat. They’re all going to cheat. They all have cheated.
I’m a guy.
I’ve literally never cheated on anyone. I’ve never gotten remotely close to cheating on anyone. I’ve never developed a crush on someone else when I’ve been in a relationship. I’ve never been inappropriate with someone else. I’ve never had an emotional affair of any sort. I’ve never fantasized about colleagues or friends or (fill in the blank). And even though I never have, I certainly have been found guilty of it. Many, many, many times.
Occasionally I’ve been found guilty of it inside my relationships. The person I’ve dated can’t fathom a world in which I could actually be faithful. But… I’ve actually had deep trust in almost every relationship so it hasn’t been much of an issue for me there.
Far more often I’m guilty of it well before any relationship even can begin. I’m guilty of it before I even show up for a first date.
I’m a guy.
Therefore I cheat.
I’m a guy.
That means I will cheat.
I’m a guy.
So, of course, I have cheated.
Why do so many women believe that? Why am I guilty before I’ve ever done anything, simply because I have a penis between my legs? It gets brought up on first dates, constantly. I so often have to defend my honor before we’ve even cleared our entrees.
To one girl after she insisted I answer her inquiry about it:
“I can honestly say I’ve never cheated.”
“Yeah right. Of course you’re going to say that. I guarantee you have.”
“I’ve never cheated.”
“You’re a guy. You will. Guaranteed.”
And to another:
“I feel like I’m on the witness stand right now. Why am I defending myself against the past actions of others?”
“All guys are the same!”
You get the point.
When I’m on a date, I’d so much rather be talking about what makes my dates tick. I’d rather enjoy getting to know about their hobbies and passions and upbringings. I’d rather learn what makes them… them.
Instead, I get put on the witness stand for some other guy’s crimes.
“Every guy I’ve ever dated cheated on me.” I raise my eyebrows. Something is wrong either with her perception or her past choice in guys.
“Every one of my girlfriends agree; guys are cheaters, we’ve all been cheated on.” Yeah. Okay. What does that have to do with me exactly?
“Mr. Pearce. What exactly were you doing on the night of July 14th, 2014.” Umm, I dunno. “So you can’t prove that you weren’t cheating on whomever you were dating at that time?” Ummmm. I guess not.
Look. I’m not saying the world isn’t full of all sorts of cheating assholes. There are plenty of them out there. But do you know what else it’s full of? It’s full of good guys, faithful guys, and guys who don’t cheat on the person they’re with.
I’m also not tooting my own horn. God, no. I don’t think it’s noble of me to have never cheated. I don’t feel like I deserve a gold sticker for it. “Hey, Dan. Blue ribbon for your fidelity in the past.”
I’m not above cheating. I just haven’t done it. It’s not in my personality. It’s not in my personal moral code of conduct.
I also don’t judge anyone who has cheated. Let me tell you this: I believe nothing is black and white when it comes to infidelity.
What I do appreciate is honesty, integrity, and faithfulness from the person I’m with in return. I appreciate trust. I appreciate being assumed innocent before being assumed guilty.
Guys don’t cheat. Please, everyone, wipe that idea from your overactive repertoire of mental filters.
Guys do not cheat.
Some guys cheat.
The faster people can admit that and believe it, the faster they will start finding the guys who don’t. The quicker people can get on board with that idea, the quicker they will stop finding all the guys (and only the guys) who live up to the unfaithfulness they expect from all of them.
Let’s do something new. Instead of assuming the worst, let’s try this instead: “hello new human I am interested in knowing! I trust you because you have never done me wrong! You trust me because I have never done you wrong! Let’s agree to keep trusting each other until one of us does something to actually break that trust. Deal? Deal. Now let’s talk about whether mochi is actually delicious or if we’ve just tricked ourselves into thinking it is.”
Alright. I’ve said what I have to say. Back to the coffee shops and Tinder to find my forever, or for a while, someone.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing