I’ve decided to share my latest book (The All-Important, Well-Fed, Giant White Man) with my followers here, free of charge, one chapter at a time. So… Where were we on this read-along… Oh, yes…
Chapter 11: An Awesomely Pointless List of My Random Thoughts
And now, the first half of an overly pointless catalogue full of my random thoughts.
Ever since my kid has been big enough to tie quintuple-knots in my shoelaces, I’ve kept a list of my casual observations of life and the people in it.
- People at gas pumps groan and moan at the current price no matter what the current cost of gas is. I’ve come to believe that people just don’t like paying for gas.
- Some people are anti-hunting, anti-killing, vegetarian animal lovers. Until they see a spider. Then, it’s kill, kill, kill, at any cost.
- If you’re a single dad and you want to feel like a celebrity, go join the group of moms standing outside of your kid’s school, waiting for class to let out. Make them giggle, they’ll make you brownies; you know, for being “such a superhero dad” and all. Beware of roofies.
- If you’re a single mom and you want to feel like a celebrity, learn to want something else instead. You’ll be happier. Being a superhero mom is apparently just part of your job description. It’s a double standard that sucks for you, I know. Also, beware of roofies.
- There is a percentage of the population who adamantly claims they hate seafood, yet have always refused to so much as even attempt to taste it.
- Walmart greeters are often happy to have a job at all.
- Costco greeters seem often annoyed that they got stuck on front door duty for the day.
- There is a group of parents on the Internet whose sole purpose is to make every other parent feel as worthless as possible. These people use guilt and shame and pressure to make the rest of us feel like everything we do as parents is wrong, dangerous, or is causing long-term damage to our kids. These people should not be allowed on the Internet. They also should not be allowed to have kids. Or to enjoy the activities that lead to children existing.
- Clowns are perhaps the greatest irony in existence. They were invented to make the masses laugh. Now they just creep the shit out of everyone.
- All over this country, parents will happily let their young offspring attend gambling halls designed with no purpose other than to entice children to gamble away their parents’ money. We know these kid-casinos as “fun centers.”
- People with Android phones think they’re better than people with Apple phones. People with Apple phones think they’re better than everybody.
- Men care more about the size of their penises than women do and for a reason. Some guys have monster schlongs and we know it.
- People who work at fast food restaurants do not always wash their hands after they use the toilet. Not even after they drop a twosie. This is disgusting. I have witnessed it multiple times. Then again, I’m there eating fast food, so maybe I don’t actually care so much what grossness I let enter my body.
- No matter where you sit in a movie theater, somehow it always ends up being right behind that guy who loves to listen to himself loudly critique every preview that is shown.