- Sex is fun. I didn’t used to think it was, nor did I understand why people liked it so much. That was back when I was too lazy to take my socks off while doing the deed. I feel bad for any woman who bedded me back then.
- People who chain smoke in casinos all day every day don’t have anything positive to say when well-fed giant white men attempt to strike up friendly conversations. I am also somewhat convinced these people are made of rotting cardboard.
- There are people who buy book after book after book. They keep them on their bookshelves, their titles displayed side by side like trophies. They’ve also never gotten around to reading more than two or three of them. I am one such person.
- Women appreciate it when you keep a box of mints on the bed stand. Believe me, they often want to jump your bones when they wake up, but they don’t want to be passing that nasty morning jank breath back and forth.
- Bullies still exist, even in the grown-up world. They need just as much love as kid bullies do.
- No matter how dumb a person is, I promise you he or she is smarter than me at something.
- When someone constantly tells you what a nice person they are, they’re probably not a very nice person.
- When someone constantly tells you what an honest person they are, they’re probably not a very honest person.
- When someone constantly tells you what a generous person they are, you guessed it. They’re probably not a very generous person.
- When anyone constantly tells you what an any kind of person they are, they’re probably trying to convince themselves that they’re something they know they’re not, but that they wish they were. Just nod your head and say, “I’ll be the judge of that.” It will drive them crazy.
- Cops don’t like when they have to work on major holidays. Be extra careful not to get caught in the crosshairs of their bad attitudes on the following days: Easter. Christmas. Thanksgiving. And, for some reason, September 3rd.
- We have gadgets in our lives that even ten years ago we couldn’t have envisioned. Yet, every time something new is released, our currently prized gadgets become worthless and ancient pieces of junk to us. We all need to go back to 1992 for a few weeks and realize the miracles that are now running our everyday lives for us.
- If you are single and you want to accidentally bump into other single people, the baking aisle at the grocery store is not the place to do it. Try the frozen foods or canned soup sections instead.
I have decided that only two kinds of guys still wear spray-on deodorant. Guys with mustaches and guys with mullets.
Dan Pearce, from my book: The All-Important, Well-Fed, Giant White Man
Last Chapter: The Precious Cargo Within That Hospital Room
Next up: The Great Changing Adventures
If you would like to start from the beginning, or catch up on a missed chapter, you’ll find all the chapters I’ve published so far by clicking here.
Of course, this book is for sale on paperback, hard cover, or as an e-book. If you find yourself unable to live without a copy, I would *so* very much appreciate you ordering one. You can find it on Amazon here (paperback and Kindle). Or hardcover here. Or Nook here. Or iBooks here.