The last blog post I wrote here on Single Dad Laughing was a journaling post to get my ass up and get going at the beginning of 2018. It was an honest look at whether I wanted to finally give up the fight at being healthy and fit, and instead just let time and genetics take me where they naturally will. At that point, I had just been derailed from my health goals one too many times.
By the end of the post, I realized that I wasn’t ready to give up the fight. I was ready to push on, and push hard, and make it all happen again. I was beyond motivated.
I did nothing.
Well, that’s not true.
I hired a personal trainer. And when the day came to meet, I canceled last minute. I made an excuse and pushed it out two weeks. I promise you, I gave myself a very good bullshit reason why I should wait.
Two weeks later, I was pumped, roaring, and ready to go once more.
I canceled last minute and asked to reschedule.
Rightfully so, my trainer got pissed that I wasn’t respecting her time, and quite heatedly let me know she didn’t want to work with me. She knew my excuses were bullshit. I knew they were bullshit. But I couldn’t find the motivation to scoop-up the bullshit and shovel it out of my life.
A month later, I got tired of my clothes getting tighter, and decided to go to the gym. Except, that trainer was there. And it was beyond awkward because we avoided eye contact the entire time. So I changed the days I planned to go, but she was there the next time, too. Apparently she had racked up quite the client list at this apartment complex I was living in.
Now, I could have done the mature thing and approached her to clear the air. I could have apologized and gone about my personal workout ways. I could have shouted across the room, “I was a demotivated lazy turd, sorry about that!” but I didn’t. Instead, I just decided to stop going to that gym at all.
I admittedly gave up the fight.
For a while.
It got so bad that I finally sat down and journaled my general lack of motivation.
A lot of it was physical. I was really beginning to feel like the world’s first land-walking manatee.
A big part of it was mental. I was living downtown to try and be as close to my kid’s mom as I could while not losing my friends and family, but I hated the city. No matter what I did, it was loud, it was chaotic, and it was not somewhere I felt that I fit.
And one of the biggest factors was, I decided, the loss of something in my life that I truly loved. Poker.
I love poker. I’m a student of the game. I’m also very, very good at it. But, mid-2017 I decided that it was keeping me from doing a lot of things I missed doing, so (besides the occasional home game with friends) I gave it up for good. Cold turkey.
At first, it was amazing. I started dating again. I started doing my art again. I even picked up a new hobby in body painting. Here’s the last one I did:
And while painting beautiful naked people should be plenty fulfilling, by spring of this year I realized that poker was far too important to me to give up for good.
To most people, poker is just gambling. Not to me. If you truly are good at the game, there’s very little gambling at all. Just sound decisions based on good math and lots of experience. I had spent years of my life trying to become the best in Utah. What silliness it would be to throw all that away completely, when I had worked so hard to be so good at it, and also to give up something that I loved so much.
Once again, I knew I had to make changes, and on the eve of my 38th birthday, I sat down and mapped out a new direction for life.
Why the hell am I still having to figure this shit out this late in life?
Why are we all still having to figure this shit out this late in life?
I don’t know, but I guarantee I’ll be doing it until I’m a shriveled prune of a man, always wondering how I should shake things up to get out of any rut I find myself.
Anyway, the goals I came up with were simple.
1) Buy a house out of the city, somewhere quiet. No more rentals.
2) Come back to poker in a balanced and positive way.
3) Keep art as a big part of my life.
4) Get healthy.
5) Just stop worrying about love.
Oh, yeah. Did I mention the whole love thing was also getting me down?
The last girlfriend I had, and I kid you not, was in a relationship with me for 20 minutes. That’s right. We got together and broke up 20 minutes later. How does that happen?
Things were going really well between us. We met for lunch and I said, “hey, should we make this official and see where it goes?” She agreed, we kissed, and went our separate ways. On the way home she called and told me that she was taken off-guard and knew she wasn’t wanting anything official right now.
I really should have gotten an award for that relationship. But, yeah. That’s just one reason why #5 was on the list.
It was a simple list, but a good list.
And I did all those things. It’s what I’ve spent the last four months doing. I bought a house that would let me do all my hobbies and business ventures. I turned it into the creative environment that I know I will thrive in. I setup my home gym where I can workout how I want to workout without anyone else watching. I found my way back into poker and took my game to an even more advanced level. I actually started working out and eating right consistently. Down 20 LBS now. And… I stopped worrying about love. If love is ever meant to be, I will find it. Why stress about it even one more minute?
Seven months between blog entries. That’s how long it took me to figure out how to get to the place where I can fight.
Saying I wasn’t ready to give it up was one thing. Actually standing up and fighting was something else altogether.
A lot of you have sent me messages checking up on me since I wrote that post. Thank you. I’m in a really good mental place now. I’m in a good emotional place. I’m in a productive place. I’m in a calm place.
Between here and my Dan Pearce Blog, I’ll blog a bit more. I promise. But it won’t be much. I can also promise you that.
People always tell me they miss my blogs. They miss what I have to say. I miss it all sometimes, too. But at the end of the day, I wrote more than 3 million words on my blogs and in my books. I shed all my greatest demons. I shared my greatest messages. I came to appreciate my life, and my child’s life, being our lives and not sharing every little thing we do with the entire world.
Yes, I’ll still blog sometimes.
Some stories do need to be told. They’re just too funny, thought-invoking, or entertaining not to tell.
Some thoughts will always need to be shared.
Some words will need to be typed.
I haven’t disappeared. I haven’t retired the blog. I’ve just learned how to balance it along with everything else.
Dan Pearce | The Single Dad Laughing Blog