That's Life

I’m BIG TOO, Dad!

Ever since the girls took off, Noah has discovered and enthusiastically demanded a new realm of independence. Some of it is awesome. Like that he wants to get his own drinks, wipe his own behind, or make...

When Noah’s not here

I won't lie. The half of the time that I don't get Noah, things can get pretty boring in a hurry, and I really get to missing him a lot most of the time.I love my house, but when I'm all alone, it suddenly quadruples in size. I sometimes sit in the furthest corners in the dark and holler a faint 'hello' and listen to it reverberate seemingly endlessly through my hallways as if I was in an old empty cathedral. I'm always wishing and always a little bit sad that my three-year-old's voice doesn't answer back, I'm right here dad!I often sit alone staring at the screen savers on my television or computer screen, trying to decide what to do or what to watch, but never actually doing or watching anything. Sometimes I go sit on the couch in Noah's room and wish there was a mess to clean up or a bed in need of making. Sometimes...

Yuck swapping

That's right folks, I am OCD when it comes to certain things, and a big one of those is what I like to call yuck swapping...

The water curse

Generally, I am not one to believe in voodoo or curses. I don't believe that if you hop up and down on one leg 16,000 times, flex your muscles in front of the mirror, and chant unga bunga repeatedly that a mysterious ghost woman will appear and tell you a secret about your future just before insisting you make out with her in order for it to come true. Well, most of that is true. I do believe in flexing in front of the mirror, so I do do that a lot.There is, however, a very real curse that is present in my family and it passes from generation to generation. Ask anyone in my family and they'll begin to shudder as they tell you recent and past stories of the curse. The water curse.In the interest of keeping my post on the shorter side, I won't bore you with the tens of thousands of water destruction stories...

The bedtime blues

So you don't believe in evolution? Well, I have proof that life evolves, and right now that evidence is upstairs sleeping... I think.My son used to make it really simple. When it was time for bed, he of course would try to get out of bed, but I could very easily say no to things like daddy, I wanna stay up and play, or daddy, I want another story. Problem is, after awhile he realized that even being sweet while he asked wasn't helping him. So, he did what life does best, and he evolved.Now, it's a lot trickier. He knows he'll get in big trouble for interrupting 'dad time' if he comes out with any of the old-school tactics, so he's figure out how to do it, and never get in trouble, because dad has no clue what the truth ever is.Daddy, I'm really sad and I'm having a hard time. This is his latest tactic. He knows...

Dirty Undies

How does Noah do it? Or better yet, when does he do it? I find his dirty little pairs of underpants everywhere. For example, and I can't believe this...

Animal [gulp] abuse

Before I make a sad attempt at a humorous post about animal abuse, let me start out by saying that I think animal abuse is wrong, those who participate should be given the death penalty (except kids of course), and I believe it really, really hurts animals' feelings. There, now PETA won't hound me. No pun intended.On to my post...Noah (age three) is at an age (and a time in his life) where he loves his dog, needs a dog, and can't live without his dog. I think having a dog is like having a friend that won't betray him, won't leave him, and won't boss him around. Even better, he can boss his dog around all he wants. With the recent divorce going on and the loss of his step-sister, the value of a good dog is worth its weight in fruit roll-ups.What I'm having a hard time with is getting him to stop abusing dogs. And I...

High pressure adventures

So, I got sick of the $30 shower head I've been using from Walmart because every time I get in the shower I have to re-tighten it, not to mention it didn't have very much water pressure. So, I went to Lowes and picked out a really nice high pressure shower head (with an extra long hose so that I can bathe my dog easily).Usually when I bathe my dog, I just let go of the shower head (while it's still running) and it just dangles until I need to grab it again, not causing any problems. This time, after I sprayed the dog down, I let go of the shower head so that I could work on shampooing him. To my surprise it took on a life of it's own, and for some reason stayed pointed directly at my face with the non-stop power of Niagra Falls! I fought it back like one would fight back a gushing...

I lost 700 lbs. in one day!

In order to celebrate that I finally have my house to myself and I don't have to worry about all that crap anymore, I decided to do a serious purge diet and I'm happy to say I lost over 700 lbs. in a single day! 700 lbs. of junk, that is.That's right. I went room to room to room. I delved into places that haven't seen human eyes in years. I pushed aside sometimes inches of dust in secret corners. I filled 50 gallon bag after 50 gallon bag until it was all done. And all beautiful. And all mine and Noah's to live in.There was an awful lot of random crap that I found to throw out or give to charity. Old bed sheets from my, get this, college days; ZIP disks (remember those?); more than 20 bottles of shampoo or conditioner (that were all partially used dating back as far as eight years ago); multiple bottles of...

Determination and super human strength, at 11 pm.

Yesterday my soon-to-be-ex finally emptied out the house of her things and with it all, took the bed that I had been sleeping on. By the time I got home to assess the damage, it was around 11 pm. I had been expecting her to take it, and had already purchased a new mattress to replace this one. I had planned to just sleep on the couch last night and then round up a fellow body-builder (ummm, sure, we'll go with that) in the morning to help me bring my new bed home and set it up, but the longer I looked at that empty space in my bedroom, the more it irked at me and irked at me until I decided it had to be done last night.Now, having spent so many years in the luxury mattress industry, I couldn't settle for anything less than the best to sleep on. I couldn't make it easy on myself and...

The money pit no longer

Now, I don’t want to toot my own horn (okay I do), but I was mathematics student of the month in tenth grade in high school. And due to that accomplishment, for the rest of my life, I will consider myself a math whiz, even though I never went higher than Algebra II in high school and then downgraded to Algebra I in college, and then, well, forgot how to do math altogether.Which is why I come to you, my dear digital friends, for some math help. You see, I’ve encountered a situation that boggles my mind and leaves me scratching my head in confusion (although due to the constant itch it could very well just be head lice). And here it is:When we were a household of four, two kids and two adults, we would spend x dollars on food, necessities, etc. etc. Now, I am finding it ridiculously easy to grocery shop and only spend 15-20% that...

The awesome awkwardness of announcing “the split”

I don't know who it's more awkward for when I have to tell people about "the split", me or them. Actually, I lied. I do know, and it's more awkward for them because for me it's becoming old news quickly.Two ladies rang my doorbell one morning and asked for my soon to be ex-wife. Apparently she had invited them over before "the split" and never canceled. I knew these ladies well enough, and when they asked if Carrie was there, I said, nope, she's not. "When will she be back?" Never. "Come on Dan, you're just like your mom. When will she be back?" Never. ... "Come on Dan, when will she be here?" Ummmm, I'm not joking. She's really gone and she's not coming back. "Seriously? You're joking. When will she be back?" . I finally say, Listen, I wouldn't lie to you about this. And it's starting to get a little awkward. . "Are you serious?"...

The Hyena-Pig Pickle

Good old Dozer. We're not completely sure what he is. Some think he's half hyena, half pig. I'm not inclined to think they're wrong. Me? I think he's half English Bulldog, half Border Terrier (definitely not a cute mix no matter how you Photoshop it). Dozer is such a calm, trouble-free dog. He looks like he's 20 years old, but we have it on good authority that he's only 2 1/2. People come to the door and see him for the first time and say things like, "he's, ummm... interesting." (side note: if people come to your door and say that about your baby, it is a compliment... ummm... sure). As nice as he is, nobody wants to pet him because he's, well, a little different.Noah loves his "Dozer Dog". Dozer came to us from the Humane Society a little over a month ago with a trade-in policy (yeah, you heard me right). Problem is, that trade-in policy is...

A new life, a new adventure. Starting… NOW.

Welcome to our new blog. My guess is somebody (probably me) suckered you into coming to read it. That's cool, you're always welcome here.This is the blog of a single dad, raising the world's most incredible kid, and all the funny stuff that happens along the way. For my first post, let me tell you a little bit about each of us, and also the path that led us to the place we're at.Noah is three, but if you ask him he's doin' good. No, that's not his real hair, but believe me he's capable of it! The kid has by far the most expressive face you've ever seen in your life for a person that age. On top of that, he's a little sweetheart. Seriously. You know how so many kids are little stinkers a lot of the time? Not Noah. He'll melt your heart with his kindness and happiness. He loves a good poop joke (just like...

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