New government-funded study proves that men who cry aren’t treated the same as men who don’t. Risks include getting beat up, no second dates, and death.
The United States government shoveled away more than two hundred million dollars to fund a recent study that looked at the effects of men crying. The results of the study, published recently in the American Journal of Medicine, prove that men who cry tend to get a different dose of life handed to them.
A few of the study’s highlights included:
1) Men who cry are at a higher risk of being beat up. Men who cried in bars and at football games were at the highest risk, and men who cry during gymnastics meets or the ballet were generally left alone.
2) Men who cry in front of their girlfriends are at a higher risk of getting action, where interestingly, men who cry in front of their wives are at a higher risk of unwanted groans and eye rolls.
3) Men who cry at the funerals of immediate family members are given more leniency at work while men who cry while watching celebrity funerals on television are usually given extra shifts.
4) Men who cry on first dates tend to have the fewest second dates while men who cry on the third or fourth date tend to see their relationships speed up. The study showed that 82% of men who cried on a fifth date were engaged by the seventh date.
5) Men who cry while changing diapers are at a higher risk for sleeping on the couch. Interestingly enough, men who cry at the thought of their child’s mother changing diapers tend to report more satisfaction in their relationships.
6) Men who cry during a prison sentencing are at an extremely high risk of becoming somebody’s girlfriend on the inside.
7) Men who cry when they get injured usually take much longer to be seen by a doctor than those who don’t. The study also showed that more doctors laugh with their colleagues at men who cry about broken bones and ripped off limbs.
8) Men who cry at the birth of their baby are considered good dads and can rarely do anything stupid enough to lose that title. Men who cry when their wives blame them for the pain during childbirth have a very high fatality rate.
9) Men who cry when they get pulled over by police officers are at two thousand times the risk of getting hyped-up superficial citations. Men who somehow made the cop cry were at an even higher risk.
10) Men who cry while making love to their committed partner are at a high risk of breakfast in bed and a Saturday without chores. Interestingly, men who cry while making love to someone they just met at the local dive bar are only at a higher risk of the girl ditching out and one or several STIs.
Dan Pearce, My Fantastic Escape.
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