Ummm… you’re too hot. Go away.

So, I finally just got my basement back into rentable shape and was able to post its availability online a few days back. It’s been nice not dealing with sharing a house with basement dwellers, but let’s be honest. This house is way too big for a single dad and his son, and since I’m stuck here, might as well make a few extra bucks by doing it.

Within 12 hours of posting the ad online, I had four people lined up to come see it. I was feeling pretty good about things. It was going to rent fast. The first couple came, and probably all I need to tell you about them is that their son’s name was Thor. That’ll about sum them up. The second couple made an appointment, and rescheduled three times before they finally showed up… an hour and a half late. Never rent to people who can’t even show up on time, let alone pay on time. Third person to show up had six small dogs. I know it’s hypocritical, since I have a dog upstairs, but no dogs allowed in the basement since there’s no way to to get dogs in and out of the place easily. Especially no dogs when you can’t even count them on one hand.

But then there was the fourth person… and she was the worst of all. When a potential renter shows up, I hide and peek through the window to see what they look like as they walk toward the door… you know, so I can ditch out and not answer if they are complete and total weirdos or are carrying a deadly weapon of some sort. And this time, this person scared the crap out of me. Cause she was hot. Like, really, really, really hot. And alone.

As she started walking toward the door, my heart started pounding. What was she doing here!? At my house! The nerve! She rang the doorbell. I froze. Should I answer? Should I run and duck for cover? What should I do? I very cautiously threw the door open at 100 mph and told her to come on in. But, the attractiveness that I thought I saw as she was walking toward the door was not quite accurate. She was actually way hotter face to face. Come this way, I’ll show you the basement, I squeaked barely audibly.

I showed her through the apartment, and all the while had a crazy mental struggle. Tell her to go away, she’s too hot. No, Dan, this was meant to be. You could totally just be her landlord and leave it at that. Don’t believe it Dan, you’ll probably be married to her within two weeks if you let her live there. No way, I’m strong, I’m bulletproof. It would be strictly professional. Run, Dan, run.

“Would a king size bed fit in here? That’s really important”, she said, interrupting my thoughts. I just stared at her for a moment, paralyzed with fear. Tell her it doesn’t, tell her whatever you have to tell her to get her out of here. No Dan, tell her there’s enough space for three king size beds. She needs to live here. “ummm, yeah, it’ll fit just fine.”

I showed her the rest of the apartment and the yard. By the end my heart beat started getting itself back under control. “So, would it just be you?” I asked her. “No, I have a kid, I’m a single mom”. I could help you with that. NO Dan. “I know how that goes. I’m a single dad. So, what do you do for a living?” “I sell essential oils” Hmmm… basically unemployed… I’ll pay your rent for you if you move in no later than tonight. DAN. Wake up man. She’s hot, but this situation is so not. “That’s cool, I love essential oils” (whatever the crap those are).

And then the bomb… “Can I have an application?” Ummm…. ummmm…. ummmm…. so I handed her one and she left. And I reminded myself that it would be all business if she were to bring that application back.

That was last night. And, don’t judge me one way or the other, now my apartment is rented out and I assure you the entire thing will be strictly professional. Because I went with a married couple of 17 years with a bunch of kids. That’s just the way it has to be.

Anybody else ever find yourself discriminating against hot people?

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

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Dan Pearce is an American born writer, photographer, and artist. His books include "The All-Important, Well-Fed, Giant White Man" and "The Real Dad Rules." He is best known for his blog (and supporting Facebook page) "Single Dad Laughing," with 2 million followers as of 2018.