On SDL’s Facebook Page, I posted a simple question. “What is something you’ve found yourself saying to a child that you never thought you would? The answers that came in have had me rolling on the floor ever since. Here are a few of them for your uninhibited laughing pleasure, as innocent as the moments that made them.

  • Next time you decide to wipe your bum with my toothbrush, please tell me before I use it.
  • We don’t blow up the “balloons” that are in Mommy and Daddy’s nightstand!
  • Get your finger out of my butt. Right now.
  • You’re grounded from reading for the rest of the day. Now go play!
  • Why is there a potato in your underwear?
  • No, I won’t help you get it out. Once you stick it up there, you have to wait until you go to the bathroom again.
  • I don’t know why those dogs are stuck together like that… Look over there at that cool cow!
  • No, there is not a watermelon in my pants. That’s my butt.
  • Did you really just wipe a booger on my arm?
  • Why is your sister outside naked and why are you wearing her clothes and your clothes?
  • I’m not going to let you have sword fights anymore if you can’t keep your pee in the toilet.
  • We do not use poop to glue paper together!
  • Stop peeing in the plants!
  • I know it seems fun to put peanut butter on the roof of your mouth and let the dog lick it off…
  • Why does this room smell like poop, and where are your pants?
  • Don’t play with my boobs in public!
  • Stop trying to pee into each other’s noses.
  • There is no accident so bad you need to throw your underwear away instead of letting me wash them. Now let me see them. Okay, you made a good call.
  • Did you pour honey all over the cat?!
  • Next time put clothes on before you leave the house.
  • Get your naked butt off of your brother’s face!
  • You’re lucky the cat isn’t dead. We do not put animals in the dryer!
  • I know it sounded scary, but Daddy and I were just wrestling and goofing around in there.
  • Who hid their scrambled eggs under the couch cushion? And how long have they been there?
  • No more spinach until you eat a slice of pizza.
  • Honey, it’s not good to point at other people’s private parts and it’s also not good to guess whether they’re big or small inside.
  • You are not the hair-cutter. Get those scissors away from your sister’s hair!
  • You can call your penis whatever you want. Yes, you can call him Little Buddy.
  • Did you really just take a bite out of my deodorant?
  • I don’t care if cats do it. Stop pooping in the sandbox.
  • WHY exactly are you trying to make your feet stick together with peanut butter?
  • Don’t chew on your toenail clippings. No you did NOT see mommy do it, too.
  • When mommy accidentally farts at the store, next time let’s pretend like we didn’t hear anything. The whole world doesn’t need to know who did it.
  • No! I don’t want to smell inside your butt!
  • Let go of your brother’s weenie.
  • Will you please label the jars with the word “fart” next time so I don’t open them? And why are you capturing your farts in jars?
  • Well, what did you think the dog was going to do if you stuck your bare butt right in his face?

If you didn’t get a chance to answer, comment below and tell us what you’ve found yourself saying to a child that you never thought you would! I may just use it in a future installment! If you missed them, be sure to read the first few installments of You Said WHAT to Your Kid?

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing