What a week to start off the new year! A while back I decided to ask one of my favorite questions to you over on the SDL Facebook page. “What is the funniest thing you’ve ever heard an old person say.”

More than a thousand of you replied, and your answers had me ROFLSHISMTW (A free hour of babysitting over Skype if you can guess what that means!)

By the way, in the last Grandpa Said What Now post, nobody got ROFLSHMEWS which was, “rolling on the floor laughing so hard my eyes went skewampus.” Better luck today.

Anyway, with more than a thousand, I have enough to make several posts out of my favorites. Bad news is, you only get one more of those posts today. Enjoy.

  1. Life is not for sissies. My 100 year old gma.
  2. My grandmother moved into the nursing home with my Grandfather and they shared a room. My grandpa asked the nurses if they could push their beds together so they could “make whoopie”. They were both over 90 at the time!
  3. My grandfather was dying of cancer.I went to visit him in hos last few days. He was out of it most of the time from all the medicine. My aunt Christine was helping care for him. She came in to lay his bed back, told him she didn’t want to see him get sores. In one of his few lucid moments he looked up at her, patted her plump hand with his frail one, and said ” We wouldn’t want my butt to get as big as yours from sitting on it all this time”.
  4. Spandex is a privilege, not a right.
  5. Nice girls don’t put guys “things” in their mouths.. my 86 yr old grandma.
  6. When my grandfather’s fly was down, he said “what can’t get up, can’t get out!”
  7. My great-grandma used to call people “Pigf***er” as an insult. Can’t think of a funnier term. May she RIP.
  8. My grandmother was apparently against me breast feeding because after I told her my plans to nurse my children she said “oh honey don’t do that. Your tits will go to hell!”
  9. While I was a server, I once waited on this sweet, old, old couple, and as the elderly wife had her nose in the menu (to see the print better?), the elderly man motioned me to come closer to him. “You know the worst part about eating a vegetable?” he asks. “Getting her back in the wheelchair.” I had to leave the table I was laughing so hard. The old man smirked sweetly as his wife still had her face hidden by the menu.
  10. “Girls can run faster with their skirts up than a man can with his pants down”- Grandma.
  11. “These aren’t my breasts. They are just the bags they came in.” Said by an 80 something year old, prim and proper woman as I explained to her that I needed to move her breasts to place leads for an EKG. I almost died laughing.
  12. One Thanksgiving my brother’s crazy girlfriend called during dinner and almost immediately began chewing him out, ranting on and on. Being a gentleman, he didn’t hang up on her, but also wasn’t going to just listen to her so he set the phone on the table. He would pick it up when it got quiet, say uhhuh, and then put it down again as soon as she started again. This went on for at least 20 minutes or so. My grandparents sat watching this until finally my grandmother couldn’t take it anymore. She looked at my brother and said “Jeffrey, it is time to kick the bitch to the curb.” There was a moment of shocked silence(she never swore) followed by cheers and hysterical laughter.
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Dan Pearce is an American born writer, photographer, and artist. His books include "The All-Important, Well-Fed, Giant White Man" and "The Real Dad Rules." He is best known for his blog (and supporting Facebook page) "Single Dad Laughing," with 2 million followers as of 2018.