nerd girl

It can be tricky navigating between reality and fiction on the Internet, and Facebook tops the list for most muddled of all human interaction. People say one thing, but ultimately they’re trying to say something else.

Fear not. I have come up with The Great Facebook Dictionary. Follow this translation guide and everything will start making so much more sense. All in good-hearted snarky silly fun.

25 Common Facebook Status Updates and What They REALLY Mean

Common Facebook Status Update #1:
There are some days when my children’s bed time can’t come fast enough.
Translates to:
I can’t say my kids are giant turds and out of control and that I need a three month break from them because then I’ll look like a bad parent.
Common Facebook Status Update #2:
My husband is the best. Look at these flowers he just brought me!
Translates to:
Could be: We haven’t had sex in like three months and my husband is starting to get desperate.

Or: I want all of you women out there with crappy marriages to be jealous of me.

Common Facebook Status Update #3:
Oh my gosh, the new Tom Cruise movie was absolutely awful!
Translates to:
Ever since the whole Scientology thing it has been cool to hate on Tom Cruise, so yeah… I’m just gonna keep that going.
Common Facebook Status Update #4:
What is going on with parents today? I just saw a group of teenage girls walk by that looked just like uber-skanky Bratz dolls.
Translates to:
Could be: I’m mad that I can’t dress my kid like that because I’ve fed her a constant diet of ho-hos and microwavable pizza since she could eat solid foods.

Or: I’m the best parent ever as is evidenced by my outrage at this.

Or: I’m still angry that my mom wouldn’t even let me pierce my ears until I was 23 years old.

Common Facebook Status Update #5:
Today is our 15 year anniversary! We’ve had our ups and downs and the roller coaster has been a fun one. I really can’t believe it’s been so long already!
Translates to:
I want to shout out this big milestone but I know that almost all of you know that we’ve almost ended this marriage like fifty times and so I feel silly doing it.
Common Facebook Status Update #6:
It’s spring, and you all know what that means! Garage sale season!
Translates to:
I have a serious shopping problem and no money to back it up.
Common Facebook Status Update #7:
I just ran six miles and averaged an eight minute mile for the first time!
Translates to:
I’m not fat! I’m not fat! I’m not fat!
Common Facebook Status Update #8:
Guess who just got the new Samsung Galaxy S4!
Translates to:
I’m better than you.

Continued on next page.

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Dan Pearce is an American born writer, photographer, and artist. His books include "The All-Important, Well-Fed, Giant White Man" and "The Real Dad Rules." He is best known for his blog (and supporting Facebook page) "Single Dad Laughing," with 2 million followers as of 2018.