bad first date

“No second date for you!” Say it in the voice of the Soup Nazi, because that’s how it came out in my brain.

I asked the following question on my SDL Facebook Pageknowing that I might use it in a blog post, what is the most odd, funny, horrifying, or weird thing you’ve discovered about someone you were on a date with?

Enjoy, and be thankful if the worst date you’ve ever had is a guy who texted the whole time.

1. He told me he would sleep walk, drive places, and wake up later with a dead animal hacked to pieces in the back of the car.

2. I had a friend I used to hang out with all the time. When he was getting ready to leave on his mission, he invited me over to his house to show me something. What he showed me was a Shrine he had built of me!!! He had collected over the short time I’d known him the most creepy items. The items included: Used Kleenex, locks of my hair (that I didn’t give him), chewed gum, Pictures, a pinecone I had once kicked across a parking lot and other things. I was creeped out and wanted to leave. Before I could get out of the door, He started handing me different items to remember him by. I threw them away.

3. He told me he “Had a place on his parents’ property.” What he meant was that he lived in a bus in their driveway.

4. A guy once didn’t want me to order a steak. He said red meat was for men only. He said in his home, his mom and sister were only allowed to eat chicken and fish! Needless to say, I ordered my steak.

5. That she had previously been paid to poo on someone.

6. He told me that he thought deaf children were “mentally challenged” and should be “put down”. He told me this AFTER I told him that deaf studies was my minor. He was also late even though he picked a restaurant across the street from his house, made a joke about not paying for my meal because I didn’t look like I was “gonna put out”, and then tried to get some action at the end of the night anyway. Oh yes…he was quite a treat.

7. He told me he was the 4th horseman of the apocalypse and if the world came to a end he would kill me last.

8. I had a guy once actually ask me if I wanted to see pictures of his colonoscopy.

9. First date he told me he was attracted to me because I reminded him of his mother. Um no.

10. He kept his baseball caps lined with aluminum foil.

11. He told me that he had a teenage proclivity to have “relations” with oranges. It involved cutting an access hole in the fruit and a microwave. I wish I was making this up.

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Dan Pearce is an American born writer, photographer, and artist. His books include "The All-Important, Well-Fed, Giant White Man" and "The Real Dad Rules." He is best known for his blog (and supporting Facebook page) "Single Dad Laughing," with 2 million followers as of 2018.