dating too many people

Warning: there is some slightly inappropriate language in this post. Only a couple of words, but big words. Big. Naughty. Words. Haha.

Anyway, I hesitate to talk too much about my adventures going to see a shrink life coach. The more I do, the more absolutely messed up you’re all going to finally realize I am.

But… being absolutely messed up has done me well so far, hasn’t it? So why not talk about it once in a while. After all, just about everyone in the world is messed up, so maybe posts about my adventures in therapy will be the most normal posts of all.

For these posts, I will call my therapist Star. And I’ll call the *person* she’s talking to Dingo (it might be me, I’ll never tell).

Star: Remind me, how many people follow your blog nowadays?

Dingo: I don’t know, it’s not an exact number. Like 300,000. But some of those “people” might be dogs accidentally hitting the keyboard with their tails. They couldn’t all possibly be real.

Star: I’m going to be serious for a minute. Can we do that?

Dingo: Of course. I always am.

Star: When’s the last time you went on a vacation and didn’t share anything about it with your fans?

Dingo: I hate calling them fans. I prefer super peeps.

Star: <blank stare>

Dingo: I don’t know. Never.

Star: And when’s the last time you got serious with someone and kept that relationship all to yourself from beginning to end?

Dingo: Well, getting to relationship status with anyone is a bit of a miracle, so I kind of want everyone to know about it when it happens.

Star: <blank stare>

Dingo: I don’t know. Never.

Star: And when’s the last time you did much of anything really notable for yourself that you didn’t share with your fans?

Dingo: Super peeps.

Star: Fine, super peeps.

Dingo: I don’t know. A few weeks ago I went and bought some pants and didn’t tell anyone. But everyone still somehow found out. My brother said we can’t hang out anymore because of how much money I spent on my new jeans. But he was kidding. I think.

Star: I want you to think about something. Before you leave today, I want you to really think about it.

Dingo: What’s that?

Star: You don’t have anything just for you anymore.

Dingo: Yes I do. Tons of stuff.

Star: Not really. Every time you get serious with someone, she ends up dating you and 300,000 super peeps.

Dingo: Hm.

Star: And every vacation you take, you take with Noah and 300,000 other people.

Dingo: Hm. Well. Hm.

Star: And every time you share anything with everyone, you’re doing that thing with 300,000 other people.

Dingo: Oh, I know. I don’t share when I go to the bathroom.

Star: Don’t deflect the topic.

CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE

1
2
3
Previous article50 MORE Weird Confessions
Next articleWhat Does That Woman Want?
Dan Pearce is an American born writer, photographer, and artist. His books include "The All-Important, Well-Fed, Giant White Man" and "The Real Dad Rules." He is best known for his blog (and supporting Facebook page) "Single Dad Laughing," with 2 million followers as of 2018.