monday-ramblings DisableThisOnMobile DisableThisOnDesktop

Every Monday I free-write whatever comes to mind.

I can’t promise you quality. I can’t promise you the feels. I can’t promise you anything, really. Except that it will always be raw, it will always be unedited, it will always be all over the place, and it will always be me. Oh, and it will always be done in my pajamas. Always. Because that’s how I roll.

Hmmm. What to talk about today…

How about the strangenesses, wonderosities, and quirktations of cruises?

Yes, I just took Noah on a cruise. Yes, I just made up three words in a single sentence. Yes, I am writing this on four hours of sleep while I down a bottled iced coffee. Get over it. Life is such.

Anyway, where were we? Oh, yes. Strangenesses, wonderosities, and quirktations.

Let’s start with the food.

Have you ever been on a cruise? Let me explain how it works. They have food. They have luxury food. And they have unlimited amounts of luxury food. Or so the theory goes. Apparently some cruise ship recently got stuck on the high seas for weeks and the passengers were down to celery soup by the time they were all rescued. That cruise is not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about almost every other cruise that doesn’t break down or capsize or whatever happens to the naughty cruise ships.

Just about anywhere on the ship you will find food. I think I even went into one of the public washrooms and there was a dude with a hamburger cart waiting with bun in hand when I walked out of the stall. There are 24 hour cantinas, and bars, and room service, and sandwich shops, and pizzerias, and buffets, and coffee bars, and… DUN DUN DUN… the fine dining restaurants where you eat every night (and every morning if you like).

Now, I DUN DUN DUNNED that part because it is the quintessential example of gluttony and waste at its finest. And I partook as much as any other.

You see, this is where they serve the GOOD food. Like, the really good food. Like, lobster, and prime rib, and fancy foreign dishes, and filet mignon, and salmon. They serve sides that you don’t even swallow because they melt and absorb directly into your blood stream before you can. They serve desserts that are to die for. And I mean that literally. 20% of cruise-goers will suffocate on their dinner’s third dessert by the end of the cruise. Another 30% will be hospitalized.

Previous articleThis is Beautiful You
Next articleMy Quarterly Confession Session
Dan Pearce is an American born writer, photographer, and artist. His books include "The All-Important, Well-Fed, Giant White Man" and "The Real Dad Rules." He is best known for his blog (and supporting Facebook page) "Single Dad Laughing," with 2 million followers as of 2018.