No, seriously. What the fadiddle was that?

This morning I rolled out of bed like a sick walrus. Like I always do.

I put on my hoodie, careful not to zip my chest hairs into it. Like I often do.

I stumbled downstairs blindly guided toward the promise of caffeine. A necessary morning ritual if the world wants to survive my grogginess.

I first stopped and popped a massive handful of supplements and vitamins. It’s a handful that gets bigger the older I get.

I tossed them in my mouth all at once like a true badass. I always do this. I am a true badass. 

But… this time one of them got stuck deep in my throat.

Okay, whatever. It’s uncomfortable, but it happens.

Annnnndddd…. I got on with my morning.

An hour later I was sitting at my computer when a little burp made its way up. This is where things get weird.

With the burp came floating out of my throat what looked like a giant puff of cigarette smoke, followed by the most rancid, awful, sour, putrid, disgusting, bitter taste to fill my mouth since the day I accidentally ate a dog turd rolled in Lemon Heads.

The dog turd thing really happened.

Oh, geez. Of course that never really happened. But you have to know how seriously awful whatever puff of whatever that was actually was.

That’s all. As you were.

Sometimes being a vitamin badass doesn’t pay off.

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

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Dan Pearce is an American born writer, photographer, and artist. His books include "The All-Important, Well-Fed, Giant White Man" and "The Real Dad Rules." He is best known for his blog (and supporting Facebook page) "Single Dad Laughing," with 2 million followers as of 2018.