Gossip girls

Let me start by saying this is nothing more than a humorous look at what it’s like to date Mormon girls from a non-Mormon guy’s living in a Mormon-world perspective. Please don’t get butt-hurt by this. Or do. I’m cool either way. But I think it’s an interesting discussion in this crazy and confusing dating world.

Anyway, I bet all you single people are super jealous of where I live. And, yes, I’m being facetious. Take away Utah’s glorious mountains. Take away Utah’s booming economy. Take away the best snow for skiing that exists on Earth (at least it used to be before the globe started warming). And you have this stripped-down bubble called Utah.

More specifically (for the next two months at least), I live in this bubble within the bubble called Utah County.

Utah County is the epicenter of Mormonism. And while there has been a mass-exodus of LDS people (Mormons) leaving the church the last several years, Utah County itself still has a very high Mormon to non-Mormon ratio.

A little bit about faithful Mormons (the ones who follow the Mormon rules):

They do not drink. Ever. And alcohol scares the living daylights out of them. A beer in your fridge might as well be a confession note that you murdered someone because you’re going to the same place for either one.

They do not have sex before they tie the knot. Ever. In fact, they don’t do anything sexual before the nuptials. And I mean, anything. Anything that ends in any type of arousal before you say “I do” is a big no-no. You must be a non-sexual human being. It’s the rules.

They do not use sailor’s language. They don’t say “oh my god.”  They do not laugh too loud. They do not drink coffee. Or tea. Or smoke. They do not go to movies on Sundays. They also don’t shop on Sundays. Or do anything that isn’t keeping the day holy on Sundays.

They don’t believe they can attain the best spot in heaven (the highest degree of heaven) without having a solid marriage, keeping all those rules above (and literally all the other 5,000+ Mormon rules that exist), and having their marriage sealed for all eternity in the Mormon temple.

A little bit about me:

I do all that stuff. And I don’t believe any of that stuff. And I like my life.

Whew. Glad I got that off my chest.

Now… Dating apps. And Mormon girls. And how fun all of that is living in this bubble within the bubble.

Take Tinder, for example. The amazing app that is single-handedly changing dating forever.

Here. I will just quote the first few profiles of the first few random Mormon girls’ Tinder accounts (about 70% of them) that pop up.

  1. “LDS.” Yep, that was a good first one. Nothing else. Just, “LDS.”
  2. “I am tall (5’11”!), adventurous, and I love seeing the world. LDS and looking for someone who lives LDS standards.” Hm. Yep. Pretty typical.
  3. “LDS and very serious about it. Not here looking for a hookup.” Wow, straight to the stay-out-of-my-pants point.
  4. “I walk, run, I fall on my face a lot, and I will dance no matter where I am! I’m also LDS, but I don’t judge you if you’re not.” Hm. The wolfess in sheep’s clothing. Do I need to remind you what I think about the phrase “I won’t judge you for that.”

You get the point.

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Dan Pearce is an American born writer, photographer, and artist. His books include "The All-Important, Well-Fed, Giant White Man" and "The Real Dad Rules." He is best known for his blog (and supporting Facebook page) "Single Dad Laughing," with 2 million followers as of 2018.