Let’s be honest, here.
Old people can get away with saying just about whatever they want.
And we applaud them for it. Or, at the very least, are entertained by it.
Over on the Single Dad Laughing Facebook wall, I asked you what was the funniest thing you’ve ever heard an old person say. These were your hilariously awful, and somehow completely okay to laugh at replies.
“Oops, grandma farted… Oops grandma farted… Oops grandma farted… ah screw it… I’m surprised I am not crapping myself. Why is everyone watching me? I’m yelling again aren’t I? Well, yours in the car was worse.”
At Thanksgiving dinner at my house, my grandmother was there. She had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s about three years prior and the disease was presenting itself more often and obviously. After the dinner plates were cleared, my husband went and sat down next to her and my grandfather. My grandma, who was always a beautiful, feisty woman, looked at him and said, “Oh my, you are so handsome, I don’t believe we’ve met, my name is Eileen,” and she placed her hand on his arm. My husband chuckled and everyone did a sort of collective sad smile as her Alzheimer’s “kicked in.” My husband said, “Eileen you are very beautiful, my name is Eddie, but your husband Roy over there, might not like me saying so.” She leaned in to Eddie and said, “Just pretend he’s not there; I have Alzheimer’s, so that’s what I’m doing.”
When serving food, my Grams has been known to say, “I’m just going to use my hands, it’s not like I’ve been playing with myself or anything.”
“Of course, I still have sex at my age. I mean, does chocolate quit tasting good when you get older?”
A woman well into her 70’s was eating dinner with a friend at one of my tables. She calls my co-worker over, presses a five dollar bill into his hand, and says “Thank you, young man.” Confused, my co-worker smiles and says he had no idea what he’d done and she cut him off mid comment with, “I’ve been here for over an hour, and have enjoyed you the entire time. You have the best looking ass that I have seen since World War II, and where I come from, it is customary to tip the floor show!” She then proceeded to give one of his butt cheeks a gentle squeeze as she got up to leave the table.
Yesterday an old lady told me she’s been wasting her life. She said she should have been evil and spent her time slutting it up like Lindsay Lohan.
I dated a rather fat guy, and when he was having dinner with my family once my father asked him if he’d like him to pass the gravy his way. My date replied, “I’m not big on gravy,” and Dad says: “You got big on something!”
Me: “How ya doing grandma?” Grams: “I’ve got diarrhea. Ain’t that the shits?!”
My grandma was having a brain fart and instead of saying, “we’re up to our asses in ear plugs,” she said, “we’re up to our ears in ass plugs.”
“My teeth are like the stars. They come out at night!”
The DJ at my wedding asked the couple that had been married the longest (my grandparents, 52 years and counting!) to pass on some words of wisdom to the bride and groom… after a long lovey dovey schpiel from my Grandma, she hands my grampa the mic and the only he says is “never give a woman a weapon!”
My Grandma was serving us cereal and we noticed that there were ants in it. She told us, “Just wait! They’ll swim to the side!”
My grandma asked me what pot smells like. I told her it smells like burning leaves. She perked right up and said “OH! I LOVE that smell! I’d be a GREAT pot head!”
“I had a really good bowel movement this morning and no one cares!”
I work in a nursing home. A resident celebrated her 105th birthday and when they asked what the secret to living such a long life was, her reply was, “I never married or had children!”
“I’m so broke I gotta fart to put a cent in my pocket.”
“I wish my teeth beeped like my hearing aids, so I could find them in the morning.”
There was an old farmer picking up bags of wheat with 2 young employees of the local Co-op. A nice looking young lady, with large breasts, walks by on the street. The old farmer, without cracking a smile, looks at the young boys and says, “You know, I believe she needs to be milked.”
I had an 85 year old massage client that told me he wanted to be reincarnated as a size D bra.
During my Grandparents 60th wedding anniversary dinner, we were quizzing them about each other’s likes and dislikes. My aunt asked my grandpa, “what’s Grandma’s favorite condiment?” And he thinks for a minute and looks up with a silly little grin and says “Trojan.”
While walking through the cemetery one day, putting flowers on graves in honor of loved ones, my elderly father-in-law said, “something smells dead!”
My Grandma told me “if he’s got it in the lips, he’s got it in the hips!”
I work for a cell phone store. We activate prepaid and contract phones. On one particular occasion I was activating a cell phone for a little old lady and I asked her to think of a four digit code that she wouldn’t forget. She replied, “Can’t I just use the word “poop? No one would ever forget the word poop.”
While in the drug store grandma says, “Look at all the different condominiums.”
“Maybe that boy with the baggy shorts NEEDS all that room?”
Fishing at the lake near my grandparent’s home with my sons, we were discussing water moccasins. My grandma, who was saying how she would protect us from the snakes, turns to my son and says, “If you see my ass running, follow me.”
My dearest grandma was watching a Van Damme movie with us and he was being dragged behind a boat with his hands tied. Very seriously she looked at me and said, “Is that really how you water ski?”
My grandmother was 80 at the time and she was helping out in the family deli business flirting with one of the younger workers there. She wrote an 11 on a 12 inch sandwich. He looked over and said those are 12 inch ones. She looked him down stone cold and said “Well, sorry dear but I just can’t handle 12 inches!”
My sister’s great aunt told me the other day, “did you know that a lot of sex clears up your hemorrhoids? I guess it’s all the extra blood flow. I thought I’d suffer the rest of my life from them, but they’ve cleared right up.”
“They’re bobbers!” (Old guy talking about his testicles dipping in the water while sitting on the toilet!)
I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time.
I love my job.
And I love the old people in your lives.
Dan Pearce | The Single Dad Laughing Blog