I turned 39 in May. Thirty. Friggin’. Nine. According to science, that means next year I will be almost 50.
You may be wondering where I’ve disappeared to these days. I honestly don’t even know what to answer to that. If I were to drum up the best response I could, it would be as simple as this…
I’ve been trying of figure out life, and not in a “dissect the cosmos” kind of way, but in an “add a bunch of new prescription bottles to my nightstand because I’m apparently nuts” kind of way.
I shall now catch you up on the last few years of my life in 90 seconds flat…
1. I dated someone. We broke up.
2. I went back to my normal short blonde hair instead of the long dyed practically black hair.
3. My kid grew up. He’s twelve now.
Do you remember when I started this blog and he was three?
4. I dated someone else. We broke up.
5. I got fat. I lost weight.
6. I dated someone else. We broke up. Go ahead. Judge me. I deserve it.
7. My boners stopped being super easy and super awesome. What. The. Actual. Fuck.
8. I wrote what turned out to be a really great novel, which has so many personal parallels into my life and search for love that I haven’t done anything but let the manuscript gather dust. My heart is too interwoven into those pages.
9. I dated someone else. We didn’t break up. Just kidding. Of course we did.
10. I went through a long bout of depression. Don’t worry. I didn’t kill myself or anything. In case you were wondering.
11. My sensory overload disorder got so bad I had to move out of the city and to a mountainside. Now my brain is much happier.
12. I started a business. It failed. Damn it.
13. I began doing body art. I paint neckid people for fun now.
14. I dated someone else. We definitely didn’t break up. Just kidding again. We obviously did.
15. I started another business. It also failed. Miserably. Like… So miserably that a drunk 4-year old could have run a more successful venture.
16. I went through another bout of depression.
17. I got fat again.
18. I lost weight again.
19. I started another business. It worked really well for a while and then failed even worse than the one before. Nobody even gave me a medal for “worst entrepreneur ever.” I deserved one, and I was sad nobody noticed.
20. I started wearing stretchy pants every day because… Damn they’re comfortable.
21. I found a special surprise in my chicken ramen.
22. I got someone pregnant. Oh C’mon. That’s not true. But I did date someone else. And you guessed it. We broke things off, too. And go ahead and stop judging me now. It’s hurting my feelings.
23. I wrote another entire book. That manuscript is also gathering dust.
24. I bowled a 154. That’s a new personal best, so suck it. Also, I was drunk.
25. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. What. The. Actual. Fuck.
26. I got on bipolar medicine, which didn’t exactly help my boner situation.
27. I got on boner pills which are fucking amazing. Holy shit, friends. No pride here. It’s like I’m eighteen again! “Hello extra inch I’ve been missing so much lately.”
28. I got an infection in my nut sack and one nut swole up to the size of a baseball. Suddenly power boners were the least of my worries.
29. I dated someone else. It just ended a few weeks ago.
30. I took a risk this summer and left my home and my kid for two months to run a new business. And… Well… Let’s just say this one was wildly successful. And by successful I mean that I am now more than broke and why the hell is it so damn hard to make money?!
31. I got sick of seeing all the memes and cheap content on my Facebook page and decided… “You know what? Who cares if only 10 people read my blog posts because nobody remembers that that’s what I actually did to begin all this. My own stuff is all I’m going to post from now on. Why? Because I miss it. I miss my page actually meaning something.
32. I wrote this blog entry to get things rolling again while also guaranteeing no woman will ever want to date me again.
33. I edited this blog entry.
34. I published this blog entry.
35. I shared this blog entry with all of you.
36. I sat back and waited for the big advertising bucks to never roll in.
And, there you go. That’s my relatively recent life in a nutshell.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. Dan, I cannot and will not follow someone who takes boner pills.
No worries. I totally get it.
I wouldn’t either, so I’m ending this right now.
Oh, wait. You don’t care about the quality of my boners? You don’t obsess about me and my insecurities and the things in my life that aren’t totally awesome all the time? You don’t expect me to be some perfect version of a human?
Thank God, because I’m thirty friggin’ nine years old (almost fifty, don’t forget), and I haven’t figured life out at all yet. Lately I’ve come to realize that someday I probably never will figure life out, either.
When I was growing up, I was naive enough to think that pretty much all adults had their shit figured out and more or less had life pegged. I kind of just assumed there was this age where nobody had daddy or mommy issues anymore, and people weren’t jealous, and tempers became controlled, and pettiness disappeared, and drama was non-existent, and the whole adult world was pretty well put together.
Now I look back and think, holy shit. I’m pretty sure my parents were flying by the seat of their pants, just guessing whatever the hell was the best thing to do next, and they were probably just as messed up as I am. In fact, I’m starting to believe nobody ever, and I mean ever, figures out life in any truly masterfully permanent way.
There is simply too much variance.
There are too many twists and turns no matter how old we get, all which we have never before experienced and we always have to figure out. Just when we think we’re getting a handle on things… Wham, the handle breaks off and we’ve gotta find a new way to carry it all and get through it all.
Honestly, I can see the appeal of being a bathrobe-wearing agoraphobe at this point. Uber Eats and Netflix and nobody noticing or judging my shriveled up old leathery man dong? Not a bad way to fade into the sunset, right?
Hey. I’m kidding. Life is complex, but it’s also pretty damned amazing. Sure, there are always new things to get through and new challenges and resulting triumphs to be had, but I know one thing for sure… It’s easier if we all figure it out together.
That’s what this blog was always about. It was me, writing the things that helped me figure out at least some of life for myself, and learning from all of you while you hopefully learned a little something from me. It was all of us never quite figuring life out together, but sure as hell giving it our damndest.
So… Join me on round two of this blog, or don’t. I’m going to be doing it full throttle again. Single Dad Laughing 2.0.
Never quite figuring out life is just too important a task to be sitting on the sidelines and not sharing with all of you the way I always have.
Heads up. This round will have a lot more non-apologetic cursing. Deal with it. It’ll also be steeped with sarcasm and you better be okay with that or I’ll judge you so hard for being a prude. Just kidding. You be you. If that means all sunshine and rainbows and talking like Mr Rogers, you do that! I’m sure I’ll have plenty of fluffy happy introspective thoughts to help balance you out.
Oh, and if you thought I over-shared on this blog before, it’s only gonna get more uncomfortable up in here. You see, I’m almost an old man, and… Old people get a pass to say whatever they want. I think it’s high time I get a head start on that.
Dan Pearce | The Single Dad Laughing Blog