Ahem. I shall now demonstrate why dating apps scare the bejeebers out of me in this day and age with all the apps we have readily available to us to help boost our dateability.

Swipe this way, folks. What you’ll see right here is one 39-year-old Caucasian man, born in Houston, Texas, raised in the beautiful state of Utah. At a whopping 6’4″ tall and one eight of a ton, featuring a magnificent dad bod, he is absolutely sure to please…

You heard us correctly. If you just swipe right on this fine specimen, you could be enjoying long walks at flea markets, the hogging of your closet due to his massively-sized shoes, and plenty of home cooked meals delivered by paid drivers.

Yes, that man right there, folks… That is the real deal. You can’t get better than that.

Or can you?

You want something different? No problem. Swipe right on this fine specimen instead…

Just like the man from sample #1, this guy has it all, but with a few more years under his belt. Women with daddy issues will particularly like this fella, who is sure to please them with long, slow Sunday drives down Main Street and lots of leisurely trips to the supermarket to pick-up prescriptions.

Oh. Old guys aren’t your thing? No problem. Keep swiping, just make sure you swipe right on this one right here when you see him…

We’ve cooked you up the complete opposite on this one. Young, charming, and with a little dose of crazy always beaming through those bright blue eyes. This match will always wear fashionable cargo pants with plenty of pockets in order to make sure you never have to carry a purse again.

Or maybe you’re looking for something more like this…

If so, swipe away. This dazzling intellect of a wannabe beach bum will stay up late into the night with you contemplating the mysteries of the universe, always asking if you might happen to have a little more bud to share since he’ll never have quite enough to get him through the evening. You’ll laugh a lot with this match, so I hope you’ve got those cheek muscles properly toned.

Oh, wait. Nope. We know what you want. Hurry and swipe right on this amazing match instead…

As you can see from this profile picture, he loves sunsets as much as you do, and is probably smart enough to live among the uber-wealthy of Silicon Valley. Folks, he chooses to be bald; baldness doesn’t choose this one. If you love intensity, this is the one to swipe on, because things will always be more than just a little bit intense.

Wait.

What?

We got it all wrong?

No worries, let’s just tweak a few search settings… Rerun the algorithm… And… Voila!

Sorry about that, we didn’t realize you were actually looking for a person of the female variety. No problem.

You did swipe right when you saw her, we hope, because this blonde beauty has a sense of humor that would make most men roll around on the floor. She loves drinking cinnamon toast crunch shots and eating chocolate cake, but don’t worry… She’s a fitness freak.

Go ahead. Whichever one of these matches you swiped on, don’t be afraid to strike up a conversation.

In the interest of full disclosure, we should tell you that this is the person who will probably show up (based on our own artificial intelligence) no matter which person you connect best with…

And when you do, it will be LOVE, LOVE, LOVE at first sight!!! After all… You both swiped right on each other and we have… algorithms.

Dan Pearce | The Single Dad Laughing Blog

Previous articleOld People Say the Darnedest Things
Next articleAn Ode to Summer (Finally) Ending
Dan Pearce is an American born writer, photographer, and artist. His books include "The All-Important, Well-Fed, Giant White Man" and "The Real Dad Rules." He is best known for his blog (and supporting Facebook page) "Single Dad Laughing," with 2 million followers as of 2018.