Today, let’s just laugh. It’s Monday. We all need a reason.
I never have awesome jokes. People say, “tell me a joke,” and my mind always goes blank. I’m a wit man . I like to make humor on the fly.
So, I asked you all on my Facebook page for your Best. Short jokes. Ever. And you delivered. In fact, you delivered a few posts worth of them. Haha.
So thank you. I will now be a funny old man someday. Oh, and some of them were a leeeeettle bit naughty. Or politically incorrect. Or just plain wrong. I pushed those to the last page so that those of you who aren’t as “free spirited” as someone like me can skip them if you like.
Or skip straight to them. Whatever floats your boat.
BEST. SHORT JOKES. EVER.
- Why was the ocean embarrassed? ‘Cause all the fish could see it’s bottom!
- How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? TEN-TICKLES!
- How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It’s a really obscure number, you’ve probably never heard of it.
- Man walks into a Dr.’s office with a duck on his head. Dr. says, “May I help you?” Duck says, “Yeah – get this guy off my butt!”
- Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing!
- What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?? A stick!
- Did you hear about the movie “Constipation”? … It never came out…
- If someone who speaks 3 languages is trilingual, and someone who speaks 2 languages is bilingual, what do you call someone who speaks 1 language? … American!
- A snail gets mugged by a gang of turtles. When the cops show up and ask him what happened he replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
- 3 strings walk into a bar. First one orders a drink. Bartender says we don’t serve your kind in here. So the second string ties itself into a bow and proceeds to order a drink. Nope, says the bartender, you’re a string. Third string ties itself into a knot and frays each end. Orders a drink. Bartender eyes the string up and down and says, aren’t you a string? And the string says, frayed knot!
- Did you hear about the guy who lost the entire left side of his body in an accident ? … don’t worry…..he’s all right now.
- Where do generals keep their armies? In their sleevies!
- Never trust an atom. They make everything up.
- Why did the cowboy get a dachshund? Because someone told him to get a long little doggie.
- Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.
- Why did the snail paint an “s” on his car? So that when he drove down the street, his friends would say, “look at that s- car go!”
- How do you say Constipated in German? Farfrompoopin.
- What did the black bug say as it slid down the zebras back? No you see me, now you don’t, now you see me, now you don’t.
- What’s brown and sits in the Forrest? Winnie’s pooh.
- What happened to the Indian who drank too much tea? He drowned in his tea-pee!
- What are the similarities between a plum and an elephant? They are both purple except the elephant.
- Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, I think I’ve lost an electron. The other says, Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.
- One snake says to the other snake, are we poisonous? The other replies, I don’t know why do you ask?, the first snake replies because I just bit my lip!
- What’s the opposite of irony? Wrinkly.
- What did the snail say as he was riding the turtle? Answer: WEEEE!
- Why don’t oysters share their pearls? They’re shellfish!!
- What did the janitor say when he came out of the closet? “Supplies!”
- My dad’s joke was “you know, I was named after Abraham Lincoln.” (person is confused since his name was Jim.) He then responds, “We’ll, I wasn’t named before him!”
The string joke, without a doubt. It's been my favorite joke for more than a decade, and I don't care if other people don't like it!
I needed this today. I am feeling pretty miserable (yeah, I am dying from a bad head cold) and decided to post this on my blog... http://corporateskirts.wordpress.com/2013/05/07/i-need-a-dose-of-humor-so-bear-with-me/. You really inspired me with your tongue in cheek, crazy humor today!
10. To this day I can't help but flick my hair when someone says 'fraid not. (frayed knot)
Omg! I love no. 12. I've told that one many times.
Two jokes for you.
What has four legs and says "Boo" ? A Cow with a cold
What are the two sexiest farm animals? Brown Chicken Brown Cow (said like Bowm-Chicka-Bow-Wow) much funnier if spoken...
These are exceptionally funny today. I was crying I was laughing so hard
What happened when the cat ate a ball of yarn? It had mittens.
**giggles**
Revision to joke number 70 (technically in the naughty section, but revision cleans it up slightly):
Two guys are at an out-door bar, and after every shot of whisky, the first guy climbs a near-by fire escape, tosses a napkin over the edge, and then floats down along side it. After 3 or 4 of these, the second guy shouts out, "How do you do that?" The first guy orders a shot for the second guy and says, come on, I'll show you. They finish their shot, and climb the fire escape. The first guy leaps over the edge to follow his napkin, and shouts to the second: "Your turn!" The second guy tosses a napkin and jumps over, falling quickly and injuring himself. The bartender finally pipes up and says "Hancock, you're a jerk."
Hehe, thanks for the giggles.
Love the one liners.....keep 'em coming.
from my eight year old son.........(I'm not very good at jokes either.)
Man goes to the Dr., says....."Dr., I think I need a new butt..........my old one has a crack in it!"
"cracked" me up! ;)
Q: What's the difference between a duck?
A: One of its legs is both the same.
Q: If it takes a chicken and a half a day and a half to lay an egg and a half, how long would it take a grasshopper with a wooden leg to kick all the seeds out of a dill pickle?
A: Seeds don't have pickles!
Q: What's yellow and goes, "slam, slam, slam, slam"?
A: A 4-door banana.
Q: What's green and writes underwater?
A: A ball-pointed pickle.
Horse walks into a bar. Ouch
Loved the Snail and turtle one! I've got a couple...
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I was lying about the wheels.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on a porch? Mat
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? Art
@elshortone What do you call a man with no arms and legs in the water? Bob.
What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen.
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, he's not coming.
Hilarious!!! Especially the last page! :-)
#79 is mine.... I get told no a lot
23. The word is VENOMOUS... it's just one of my pet peeves... Lol venomous means if it bites/stings you and poisonous is if you eat it.
@sarah.naumcheff For what it's worth, if the snake bit himself, both definitions would be valid.
@pmckeen @sarah.naumcheff good point! lol
A man was driving down the highway with a penguin in his car. A state highway patrolman stopped him and said, "you need to take that penguin to the zoo, right now!" The man thanked the patrolman and drove off. The next day, the patrolman saw the same man with the same penguin in the same car. When he stopped him, he said "I thought I told you yesterday to take the penguin to the zoo!" The man said "I did. He enjoyed it so much I thought we'd try the beach today!"
I laughed A LOT. Thanks! I needed that.
Oh, that was a good way to enjoy my morning cup of coffee...all over my computer screen from spraying it out in laughter! ;-) Just kidding.
79 is my favorite. The only short joke I know is suggestive. WARNING!
How do you know if a blonde girl has a blonde boyfriend?
Her belly button is black and blue.
@barefootmama0709 #79 is mine..... *wicked grin* I get told no a lot lmao
Love these! Especially on a Monday!!!
Haaa! Liked em n shared em! Thanks for the laugh!
Little Tommy Clock was in clock school and only ever went tickticktickticktick. His teacher told him: We have ways of making you Tock.
Two fish are in a tank. One fish turns to the other and says "You man the guns, I'll drive!"
One that makes me snicker whenever I think of it: How do we know that the Toothbrush was invented in Alabama?
Because if it had been invented anywhere else, it would be called a Teethbrush! ;-D
What do you call a fake noodle?.... and impasta :)
The only joke I can ever remember off the top of my head is this one. It's corny but I laugh every time. How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on him. How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way, unique up on him.
loving the last page! LOL...THe first two were good too :)
What did the fish say when it hit concrete? "Dam!"
@srgorbett And what did the other fish say? "Dumb Bass!"
two men walked into a bar.........the third one ducked.
What did the skeleton order at the bar? -a beer and a mop
Thank you! You have NO IDEA how much I needed a laugh today. Sitting at my desk giggling like a little girl. #whoneedstherapy